Ain’t never occurred to me to endorse some motherfucker running for president because I always thought voting was punishment enough. I go to vote and think, shit, these are my choices?

Take Obama. He might be cool as Fonzie’s jacket but I wouldn’t vote for the motherfucker because he ain’t got enough experience.

And don’t even give me Giuliani. When he goes home at night he spanks it to old footage of the World Trade Center falling down.

Hillary could go from a NAACP meeting to a KKK meeting without closing her purse.

And the last thing I want to hear is “President Huckabee.” If he’s smart enough to earn my vote, he’d be smart enough to change his last fucking name.

I’m gonna do something Oprah ain’t capable of doing. I’m endorsing all the got-damn candidates. I’ll endorse Ron Paul, even though he has some positions Napoleon would downplay. I’ll endorse Kucinich. I’ll stump for McCain. I’ll campaign for Bill Richardson but I ain’t got one got-damn clue what the son of a bitch stands for.

And I ain’t being all Hillary about my endorsements, neither. I’m straight-up as a motherfucking rocket. I’m endorsing them all because you people deserve who you vote for, and I’ll still get paid when I do ‘Shaft II.’