News Groper's celebrity bloggers are on indefinite strike. While we negotiate (indefinitely), check out Easy LOL to follow comedians on Twitter.

Samuel L. Jackson’s Blog

If I had me a hammer ...

By Samuel L. Jackson

Bio & Blog

I just did me a search on Google for “self-inflicted nail injury.” Seemed apros-motherfucking-po since I’ve been trying real hard to pay attention to politics lately.

Y’all read the story about the dude in Bahrain who had a two-inch nail pulled out of his pecker? Dude shows up at a doctor’s office complaining about some severe motherfucking pain in his fuck-stick region. After a quick inspection of the area, the doctor couldn’t help but notice a two inch got-damn nail shoved down his pee-hole. When asked, the dude says that the nail must’ve been put there “without his knowledge.” Which is how I feel about this fucking superdelegate bullshit–I’ve got some superdelegates shoved down my pee-hole, and I ain’t got no motherfucking clue how the fuckers got there.

nails_in_head_ct.jpg
Then there’s the motherfucker who walked into a doctor’s office complaining of headaches. After a full examination that turned up not one got-damn thing, the staff asked this motherfucker to take off the ball cap he’d been wearing. Motherfucker takes that cap off and reveals the cause of his big-ass headaches: ELEVEN GOT-DAMN NAILS driven into the motherfucker’s head.

The motherfucker explained that he had been trying to rid himself of evil by hammering nails into his skull. Once a week for eleven weeks, this crazy asshole would pull a nail out of a drawer, hold it to his head, and pound on that nail like Fonzie pounding on Pinky Tuscadero.

And that, my friend, is the best analogy to primary season I ever heard. Some schizo motherfucker repeatedly banging nails into his head to drive out some fucking evil spirits, and the evil spirits keep talking to him about health care and wars and immigration and global warming, and suddenly the dude has a headache. It don’t occur to the motherfucker that those fucking nails might have something to do with that headache–hell naw! Motherfucker thinks, shit, I better put on a ball cap and go to the hospital and make some people caucus around my ass for a while.

And after all the caucuses and debates and consultations and eliminations, motherfucker still has too many nails in his head, and evil spirits talking at him about issues that ain’t got nothing to do with what’s actually wrong with him. I mean, even when the last nail is pried out of the motherfucker’s head and put into the Oval Office, he’s still gonna be one sick bastard.

There ain’t no real point to this post, except to maybe keep myself busy before I start hammering some nails into some motherfuckers. It’s seven long-ass months til November, and I’m already feeling violent–that ain’t a good thing.

2/16/2008 5:05 PM, Los Angeles
login or register to post comments

Samuel L. Jackson Email Alerts

feed This Blogger's RSS Feed

News Groper Weekly Email

Get the very best & funniest of News Groper in our weekly email newsletter.