All this protesting over the got-damn Olympics is beginning to piss me the fuck off. Y'all like to say the torch run is a symbol of how we’re all "one" living in peace but the truth is Nazi Germany started that torch shit to prove just how much it fucking ruled to be an Aryan motherfucker in a world of half-breeds and darkies. Shows how much fucking foresight those Nazis had--they weren't pissed off about Muslims.
Know what really unites the nations of the world? Violations of human rights. Track and field events don't got one motherfucking thing to do with making us all feel like we're unitied. If we really want to use the Olympics to promote global unity, then we got to get us some new got-damn sporting events.
Here’s my proposals. Suck my dick, IOC, if you ain’t approving this shit:
Event 1: Bataan Death Run and Obstacle Course
The beauty of this event is that it takes place on a giant fucking treadmill that has no "off" button, so the wounded will need to keep their ass in motion if they hope to win.
Added bonus: knives set up neck-high along the track, meant to slash the jugulars of anyone who gets too got-damn close to the motherfucking edge.
Even better: Takes place in complete fucking darkness. We gonna watch that shit in nightvision.
Event 2: Abu Ghraib Sit-and-Smile
This is one complicated motherfucking event, with some dogs brought in from Michael Vick's puppy-farm to bite at genitals, and an event-within-the-event where survivors/atheletes are dropped into an Olympic-sized pool for waterboarding. Think the high-dive looks cool as shit? Just wait til you motherfuckers see participants stripped down to their Speedos and forced to fucking endure several hundred gallons of water being poured up their got-damn noses.
Added bonus: Atheletes will be forced to out-stand celebrity judge Donald Rumsfeld.
Even better: The entire event is scored by Celine Dion.
Event 3: Genocidal Archery
Obviously, this event favors those motherfucking Germans, but they ain't got a lock on this got-damn event. Shit, the Americans might even take all three medals if the IOC can round up enough Africans, Native Americans and Japanese to stand still long enough to hold a target in front of them.
Added bonus: Will hopefully allow the Rwandan and Sudanese teams to shine.
Even better: There might be a got-damn Cinderella story should the Iraqi team participate.
Event 4: The Ten-hundred Tibetan Monk Burn:
The best part about this got-damn event is that none of the teams have to participate. The Monks'll set their own asses on fire. All the teams got to do is use their Olympic cameras to catch the best pictures.
Added Bonus: Someone will win a gold and a Pulitzer.
Even better: Burning monks fight global warming, though I ain't sure how.
Wildcard Event: Tank-standoff
I ain't even gonna try to justify this event. We all know how cool that shit looks.