It ain’t easy, what I’m about to write. But I’m hoping you’ll keep in mind that this is Sam Jack writing at you, and Sam Jack can be cool even when he’s doing lame-ass shit like starring in a buddy picture with Eugene Levy.

That said, I’m about to swallow my own Sam-Jacksticles and write about “Sex and the City.” Again. Because I liked the got-damn show and fuck you.

I just rewatched the last episodes of that shit, and all I got to say is, Motherfucker, you got to be kidding. That show was a good got-damn show. Why'd they have to go and fuck it up?

If you ain’t seen the last episode, which is a two parter as if they couldn’t get all the predictable got-damn bullshit into one thirty-minute block, then let me sum that shit up for you: Carrie goes to Paris to find her own identity, realizes she ain’t got shit unless she’s got other people ooo-ing and aaa-ing over how got-damn unique she is, grabs onto the motherfucker who treated her like shit for six got-damn years, and flies her ass back home so everyone can continue ooo-ing and aaa-ing over how got-damn unique she is. And as far as I can tell, the only unique got-damn thing about her is that she considers a tutu formal wear. And I don’t mean a tutu as formal wear like she’s doing Swan fucking Lake at the Met. I mean formal wear like “It’s perfectly got-damn acceptable for me to be walking down a got-damn sidewalk wearing a got-damn tutu like I’m Bjork” or some shit.

That bitch would rather find a got-damn shoe sale than a raison d'motherfucking etre.

Up until that last got-damn episode, I thought Carrie was just a fucked-up chick who would eventually overcome her stupid got-damn need to use a guy to give her an identity, but she has herself one small got-damn set-back while trying to be her own got-damn person, and boom! It’s back into that Mr. Big's got-damn arms, like he ain’t been nothing but good to her his entire got-damn life.

Women ain't like that, so I ain't got no got-damn clue why they're all over this Sex and the City: The Movie bullshit. Yoko Ono got that shit all wrong. Women ain't "the nigger of the world;" they're the got-damn "needy-ass bitch in need of some affirmation" of the world.

Know what? Fuck this shit. Go see the got-damn movie and tell me how good my cameo is.