First off, you motherfuckers need to know that there’s an article in Vanity Fair about Bill Clinton, and how he’s been macking up on some actress named Gina Gershon and flying around with Ron Burkle on a private airplane called the Air Fuck One. There’s some other shit in the article, and you can go read it your got-damn self because I ain’t your personal got-damn secretary, summarizing shit for you like I ain’t got nothing better to do.

Second off, you motherfuckers need to know that Bill Clinton is so motherfucking pissed off at that Vanity Fair piece that the guy can’t see straight. He’s sputtering around like a got-damn Edsel. Here’s what he said to some poor reporter he literally clutched onto like grim motherfucking death and refused to let go:

"You know [Vanity Fair reporter Todd Purdum] didn't use a single name, cite a single source in all those things he said. It's just slimy. It's the most biased press coverage in history.”

Give me a got-damn break, Mr. Former President. The motherfucking reporters have a right to be biased against your ass, or do I need to bring up a certain “I did not have sex with that woman” incident that ended up being a bald-faced motherfucking lie direct from your lips to the press’ pencil-tips? You want me to remind you of that bullshit, motherfucker?

But the motherfucker continues:

“It's another way of helping Obama. They had all these people standing up in this church cheering, calling Hillary a white racist, and he didn't do anything about it.

They weren’t calling her a racist, you cigar-poking motherfucker. They were calling you a racist.

"The first day he said 'Ah, ah, ah well.' Because that's what they do..."

“They,” motherfucker? Who the fuck is “they?” You mean black people? Is that what "they" do?

"He gets other people to slime her. So then they saw the movie they thought this is a great ad for John McCain-- maybe I better quit the church. It's all politics. It's all about the bias of the media for Obama. Don't think anything about it."

What? Old man, you best be cutting back on your post-bypass blood-thinner and making some got-damn sense.

It’s like this: The American people know you fuck around. It ain’t no thing. I ain’t pissed off or scandalized or some shit about you getting some on the side, and I’d actually like Hillary more if the bitch fucked a few got-damn pool boys every now and then. But what “they” did is exactly what you motherfuckers have been doing since you set your got-damn foot in Little Rock back in the early '80s. But this time they beat your ass at your own motherfucking game.