What happens is, I get some letters every now and then, and I usually answer those motherfuckers one by one, personally, because I ain’t no fucking Hollywood douchebag like some of these motherfuckers who pretend they ain’t got the time to put the personal touch on their got-damn fans. They got the time. What they don’t have is that special Sam Jackness I got going on that makes me want to sit down and type out some shit to little Betty Lou in Omaha or bADdMOFOjR@bumfuck.net.

I thought I’d share some of this shit with you. Their questions and comments are their own fucking typing, so don’t be sending me no Strunk and White handbook telling me to correct my fucking grammar and spelling. I know how to write proper. These motherfuckers don’t.

Hi, mr jackson!!! I’m 5 years old i live in florida and my momma says you r my daddy. will you help me by a bike? i promise i’m a good kid. --Davey L.

Davey:

Boy, fuck your got-damn momma, cause I sure as shit never did. All my got-damn kids live in my got-damn house, and they got three motherfucking bikes a piece. Make your tired old momma get off her damn ass and go down to the Wal-Mart and buy you a bike her own damn self. And stay in school, motherfucker--someday you might be famous enough to have some bitch claiming you the father of her illegitimate crotch-fruit. Keep it real!

Sam--
Hello. I’ve been a fan of yours since Jungle Fever, and an admirer of your humanitarian and social positions for years. That said, can you tell me how to get in touch with Mr. Tarrantino? I have a script I’m sure he would love. Thanks! --TrueRomance32@aol.com

Holy piss, you mean there’s 31 other dumbfuckers on AOL with TrueRomance as a screen name? Look, man, I ain’t gonna try to discourage your ass because chances are you’re getting plenty of discouragement from the sane fucking people in your life. I will say this: if you think your script is so got-damn earth-shatteringly good, don’t talk to me about sending that shit on to Quentin. Motherfucker, you ever notice how I do 20 got-damn movies a year? Send that shit to me and talk to me about it. Fuck Quentin. Even if I hate it, I’ll do it. You just best be prepared to pay my ass--I got a kid with a severe bike-purchasing addiction to pay for.

Sam--
When you gonna stop all the bullshit and do a real gawddamn movie? Rex R.

When you learn that it ain’t ‘gawddamn’ like I’m in some motherfucking minstrel show. It’s spelled ‘got-damn.’

That’s all I’m gonna share with you people today. Wait, naw, I got one more fucking thing to add. Dude with the foot fixation (yeah, you know who you are, you fucking perv): Stop sending me those got-damn pictures. Sticking your damn feet up there ain’t normal or natural--get some got-damn help and see a motherfucking chiropractor before you get stuck like that.