Recently some dude asked me what it was like to be in a movie with Keanu Reeves. I’ll skip to where the motherfucker admitted he thought I was Laurence got-damn Fishburne.

Like I'd ever been in a movie with Keanu Reeves. Keanu says his lines like they’re being telegraphed directly into his got-damn brain by an arthritic Morse code agent. I’d more likely appear in a movie with the corpse of Nipsey Russell.

So I made a list of the top six actors I will never work with. I'll spare you the got-damn suspense and just tell you that Keanu is number fucking one.

6. Barbra Streisand. Look, bitch, I get it. You got a good got-damn voice that you keep fucking up by never shutting the hell up. Hey, I respect your politics and I respect your diva ‘tude, but got-damn, lady, if you want to be an actress, then act; if you want to be a politician, run for a got-damn office. Don’t be bringing that shit onto the set--them snakes don’t give a got-damn that we invaded Iraq.

5. Tom Cruise. Got-damn. Hell naw, motherfucker. Next time you come up to me at the Oscars asking me to take a got-damn stress test, I’m gonna shove that fucking E-meter up your thetan.

4. Sly Stallone. Sly. Man. You’re old. Old is okay--don’t nobody on earth expect you to be all pec-ed and bicep-ed out at your feeble got-damn age, so give that shit up. I appreciate that you played the two biggest bad-asses of the 1980s, but times have changed, you know what I’m saying? You got to re-invent that shit. Go run for governor like Arnie did and lay off the ‘roids, cause I can’t look at shit like this on TMZ.com no more.



3. Woody Allen. Man, you can direct me any got-damn time. But I don’t want you acting anywhere near me. You look like you’re a spitter, and I hate working with spitters. Same thing with Travolta--dude spit his lines all over me during Pulp Fiction. After that got-damn Big Mac scene, Quentin had to come in and personally Flowbee out my got-damn afro to get all his hawked-up loogies out. Ain’t doing that shit again, Woody. But call me, got-dammit.

2. Kevin Costner. Holy shit, you seen his latest? Hell naw you haven’t. The only people who saw Swing Vote were dumbasses who thought they were seeing another got-damn baseball movie where Costner casts his vote with a fucking baseball bat, Untouchables-style.

That’s my list. I’m sure I’ll be adding a Fanning sister and Bette Middler to this list any damn day now.