News Groper's celebrity bloggers are on indefinite strike. While we negotiate (indefinitely), check out Easy LOL to follow comedians on Twitter.

Samuel L. Jackson’s Blog

Over 9000 penises, Oprah Winfrey, child porn, and my got-damn Corona

By Samuel L. Jackson

Bio & Blog

I was watching me some Oprah Friday and damn near fell out of my chair when she said this:

Over 9000 penises all raping children? What the fuck, Oprah? I don’t need to be hearing that shit in the middle of the afternoon when I’m trying to unwind with a Corona and a cigar. Damn near choked on my lime.

For those of you not up on Oprah’s latest h-O!-ly war, let’s see if I can’t bring you up to speed. Oprah’s decided to put Obama’s candidacy on the backburner and set her O-phasers to “kill” on some child pornographers. That’s all well and good. Don’t need no motherfucking child pornographers running around like they own the place.

Thing is, Oprah was so filled with her own h-O!-ly spirit on Friday's show that the bitch didn’t realize she got her ass trolled. 9000 got-damn penises raping children? Oprah, you know as well I do that if it’s one got-damn group that don’t want attention, it’s some child-rapers. The first got-damn rule of child-raping is that you don’t talk about child-raping. So it ain't very got-damn likely that a member of a child-raping club's gonna leave a post on your got-damn Oprah website, is it? Hell naw, it ain't.

O, you supposed to be the most media-savvy person on the got-damn planet. You didn’t see how fake "9000 penises" was? Girl, you must be watching too much bukake porn with Gail. Those motherfuckers baited your ass like a  nightcrawler at a bass tournament. I was on my fourth Corona and even I knew troll-bait when I heard it. 

I mean, got-damn, is this what you were picturing when you said that 9000 penises shit?:



Don't get old Sam Jack wrong. Child-raping ain’t a good thing. If I knew a child-raper, I’d be happy as a lipstick-wearing pig to cut his balls off and shove them up his ass. This ain’t about that, though. This is about you, and how you’re slipping. Dr. Phil turned out to be a mistake, and your magazine sales are down, and Ellen’s kicking your ass all up and down the daytime talk-show dial. And now you repeating obvious troll-bait on your own got-damn show. Bitch, get a got-damn grip. Get that Steadman motherfucker back. Cause now you're a new internet meme, and not in a good got-damn way.



That’s all I got to say. Except, Oprah, I'm the executor of the will of the got-damn king of Nigeria, and I got a business proposition for you. Get in touch with me, girl, so we can get his money out the got-damn country.

9/22/2008 1:56 PM, Los Angeles
50 comments

Samuel L. Jackson Email Alerts

feed This Blogger's RSS Feed

News Groper Weekly Email

Get the very best & funniest of News Groper in our weekly email newsletter.

Comments

Morgan Freeman:

Sammy, you really are as shit-ass stupid as you look. And I'm not talking about some Snakes on a Plane kind of shit-ass stupid, I'm talking about some Got-damn Deep Blue Sea kind of shit-ass stupid.

9/22/2008 4:24 PM

Christian Bale:

Morgan, I don't recall you being so irritable. That car wreck must've messed you up pretty bad.

9/22/2008 4:42 PM

Morgan Freeman:

You try prying the better half of your dick out of some whore's broken-ass teeth and then tell me whether you'd be feeling a little bit irritable, you mother-beating psychopath. Besides, Sammy's picked a fight with Oprah and that's as shit-ass stupid as the acting choices you made in that dumb fuck Harsh Times movie/debacle.

9/22/2008 5:16 PM

Bill O'Reilly:

What was stupid was Oprah messing around with those Hackers on Steroids!, now I've got to go out & get a dog.

9/22/2008 5:24 PM

Morgan Freeman:

Bill, you are truly a fuckless twit! When go to get that dog, be sure to ask for one with rabies. They are the best protectors. Trust me, you'll thank me later. Or should I say 80% of the American people will thank me later.

9/22/2008 5:49 PM

Bill O'Reilly:

Didn't you hear me Uncle Tom???, they're HACKERS ON STEROIDS!!!!11!1, I've had 7 different passwords & they've got them all, from behind 7 proxies too, also penis.

9/22/2008 6:23 PM

Anonymous:

Mr. Jackson, do us a favor and don't link to encyclopediadramatica in the future. Please.

9/23/2008 12:06 PM

Alex of Burg:

It has to be said...
"It's over NINE THOOUSAAAAND!"

9/23/2008 12:09 PM

Peyton Manning:

Hey Guys,
I wrote about Brett Favre's butt today! C'mon over and check it out.

9/23/2008 4:44 PM

Samuel L. Jackson:

Wait--motherfucker, did you just put your butt-plug on my blog?

9/23/2008 9:14 PM

Peyton Manning:

Sam Jack, I saw your new movie. Ash and I would really like to have you as a next door neighbor if you act like that in real life. Maybe you could even come over and practice snapping the ball to me.
Peyton

9/24/2008 11:38 AM

Osama bin Laden:

YOU ALL DIE

9/24/2008 3:02 PM

MJM:

Lol... whut?

10/5/2008 3:42 AM

Hillary Clinton:

ITS OVER 9000!!!!!!!

9/25/2008 3:49 PM

Al Gore:

I "invented" the 9000 penises.

9/25/2008 6:37 PM

Ann Coulter:

And one of those 9000 is mine.

9/25/2008 7:43 PM

Celine Dion:

I love the 9000 penises in my little frenchie snatch

9/26/2008 12:12 AM

Al Gore:

Yes, very well humans, but I have a group of over 9000 robot penises raping your computers.

9/26/2008 3:55 PM

Miley Cyrus:

Eww! Like, why y'all talkin' about weeners and junk?

9/26/2008 9:22 PM

Mario Lopez:

Is this guy a jew? Is that why he refuses to write "holy" and "god"?

What a fag.

9/28/2008 12:51 AM

Tyra Banks:

Can I get a few of them 9000 in my ass?

9/29/2008 8:06 AM

Oprah Winfrey:

Don't miss my next show where we'll be talking about how Rick Astley is slowly taking over the internet

9/30/2008 2:05 AM

Anonymous:

We do not forgive, we do not forget.

9/30/2008 11:56 AM

Anonymous:

But we do occasionally break out into song.

9/30/2008 7:39 PM

Anonymous:

We don't give you up, we never say goodbye.

10/9/2008 1:38 AM

Jessica Simpson:

teehee, Oprah said Penis.

9/30/2008 12:10 PM

Bill O'Reilly:

I said I'll rape it LIVE!!! FUCKing penis SUCKS!

10/1/2008 4:06 AM

Ashley Alexandra Dupre:

If the penis sucks, Bill, you're clearly doing it wrong.

10/1/2008 10:02 AM

Anonymous:

Sammy... Mr. Jackson... dude... I like your acting, love that you're a closet geek... but that freakin' blog made my year. I'm definitely a bigger fan than I was. Oprah lost 30 IQ points with the net-savvy ones. She should go bowling with Rosie O'Donnell. They're laughing at her on 4chan, Crunchyroll... even Gaiaonline. Maybe the straights think you're out of line, but the geeks know who's an idiot out there. Careful with the Hollywood lawyers... I hear Oprah can afford more than Michael and O.J. combined.

10/3/2008 2:17 PM

Samuel L. Jackson:

I'm glad you just got your got-damn year made. And you're got-damn right--the geeks know all. Those motherfucking geeks will inherit the earth.

10/3/2008 7:04 PM

Dr. Phil:

Oprah f'ed me with just one penis. 'Nuff said...

10/10/2008 9:59 PM

Peyton Manning:

Listen, dude. We said we weren't ever going to talk about that. WTF man?

10/12/2008 4:56 PM

Oprah Winfrey:

Phil. It wasn't one penis. You just thought it was. Might want to stop stretching out your butthole by stuffing your head up there.

10/12/2008 5:58 PM

Mel Gibson:

AMEN OPRAH!!!! That Jew Dr. Phil has his head SO FAR up his ass that wishes he had a glass belly button so he could see what the rest of us are doing.

10/17/2008 7:35 PM

Eddie Murphy:

NINE THOUSAND PENISES? Now that's something I'd pay money to see!

10/17/2008 11:11 PM

Anonymous:

FUCK YEAH MOTHERFUCKERS!

10/14/2008 4:41 AM

Al Gore:

IM CAPTAIN PLANET

10/20/2008 5:59 PM

Dick Cheney:

And I'm Captain Penis. Now shut up, Al, before I clock you upside the head with it.

10/20/2008 6:51 PM

Tyra Banks:

Hot Diggity Dog

11/4/2008 4:12 PM

Tom Cruise:

Stupid Anonymous and their 9000 penises. My one 2 inch penis is SOOO much better.

11/26/2008 1:11 AM