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Samuel L. Jackson’s Blog

Welcome to the got-damn cashless society

By Samuel L. Jackson

Bio & Blog

When they said we’d be going into a cashless society, this ain’t the bullshit I thought they were talking about. I thought cashless meant we’d be converting over to plastic cards, not plastic soup bowls.

But hell naw. The cashless society means just that: we ain’t got no got-damn cash.

Here’s some terms I learned this week. And I learned these terms just so I’d know who the hell to bitch-slap next time I’m in Manhattan.

Short selling. If I got this shit correct, it's kind of like where George Lucas borrowed all those fond fucking memories you had about the original Star Wars trilogy, invested your nostalgia into a new movie, then make a profit off selling himself some tie-ins and DVDs for The Phantom Menace.

Naked short selling.
I ain’t even gonna get into this shit, except to say those naked short sellers were selling your got-damn shorts. Turns out they liked going commando.

Commercial paper. From what I can tell, this commercial paper bullshit is a lot like college kids bartering with each other for some weed. Some kids get their allowance at the beginning of the week, so they’ve got primo bud by Tuesday morning. Some kids get their allowance at the end of the got-damn week, so they’re stocked up on Friday night. So those Monday-toking kids borrow from the Friday kids at the end of the week, the Friday-toking kids rely on the Monday kids, and they’re all counting on getting a motherfucking allowance check on a regular got-damn basis in order to pay each other back. But when the parents can’t afford to send a check--because Lehman Brothers stole all the parents' fucking money in order to buy themselves their own got-damn weed--that system breaks down.

Subprime mortgage lending. This one’s an easy one. Subprime mortgage lending is like me lending my got-damn star-power to an untried, untested director to make a movie. If that movie’s any got-damn good, everyone’s happy and you end up with Pulp Fiction and an Academy Award nomination. If that movie sucks harder than a got-damn Shop-Vac, you end up with The Man. Make more movies like The Man, and you gonna run out of star-power real got-damn quick, and end up shilling for acne creme on late-nite TV.

I might continue this shit later. Right now, I got me a few CEOs to hunt down and drop golden parachutes on.

10/8/2008 10:45 AM, L.A.
14 comments

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Comments

Anonymous:

Money Is Worthless, Backed Up By (Economic)Perception, We Were Taken Of The Gold Standard!!! Of Course "it" has Purchasing Power!!! The Point Is We Are Fighting Over Paper!!!

10/8/2008 4:20 PM

Samuel L. Jackson:

What the fuck? First, no one posts as anonymous on my fucking blog, you ostrich- headed motherfucker. Second, currency rules the world today. You decrepit, delusional gas-bag, you're still living in the age of the gold rush. How fucking old are you? 168? Are you Martin Landau, motherfucker?

10/8/2008 5:15 PM

Mel Gibson:

Sam, if we left it up to you people the only currency would be rims, ribs, dutch masters & Old English

10/8/2008 5:23 PM

MJM:

And if we left it up to people like you, Mel, we wouldn't have any Jews to watch our money for us.

Oh wait...

10/8/2008 6:45 PM

Samuel L. Jackson:

What did you say motherfucker? I was under the impression you were too busy hating the Jews to get to us black folk. Thanks for expanding your horizons. I guess being unemployable has given you a lot of free fucking time.

10/8/2008 5:33 PM

Mel Gibson:

unemployable? Ill have you know Ive been very busy building ovens uh I mean preparing for the rapture. Keep an eye out for my new movie, How to kill Jews & influence people.

10/8/2008 5:42 PM

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:

Happy Yom Kippur, you sicko.

10/8/2008 7:12 PM

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:

Hey Mahmoud, we still on for golf Wednesday? I want a chance to win my autographed copy of Mein Kampf back!

10/9/2008 11:56 AM

Mel Gibson:

Hey Mahmoud, we still on for golf Wednesday? I want a chance to win my autographed copy of Mein Kampf back!

10/9/2008 12:08 PM

Mel Gibson:

Hey Mahmoud, we still on for golf Wednesday? I want a chance to win my autographed copy of Mein Kampf back!

10/9/2008 12:09 PM

Mel Gibson:

Hey Mahmoud, we still on for golf Wednesday? I want a chance to win my autographed copy of Mein Kampf back!

10/9/2008 12:09 PM

Tyra Banks:

Hey y'all, I totally think that you are right. I was thinking, Sammy-Jack, that I could suck your cock before the economy collapsed and maybe hang out at your place through the coming recession. I WILL make it worth your while, sir. Daddy?

10/12/2008 4:44 PM

R. Kelly:

Man, if I was into dudes and not little girls, I would totally give you a golden parachute. I love you man. Your movies is sick.

10/12/2008 4:48 PM

Paris Hilton:

Yah, I don't think that what you gave me the other night was a golden parachute. I read online that they call it a Dirty Sanchez or maybe that was the Cleveland Steamer. I can't remember the difference. I will have to call Britney and ask.

10/12/2008 4:51 PM