When they said we’d be going into a cashless society, this ain’t the bullshit I thought they were talking about. I thought cashless meant we’d be converting over to plastic cards, not plastic soup bowls.
But hell naw. The cashless society means just that: we ain’t got no got-damn cash.
Here’s some terms I learned this week. And I learned these terms just so I’d know who the hell to bitch-slap next time I’m in Manhattan.
Short selling. If I got this shit correct, it's kind of like where George Lucas borrowed all those fond fucking memories you had about the original Star Wars trilogy, invested your nostalgia into a new movie, then make a profit off selling himself some tie-ins and DVDs for The Phantom Menace.
Naked short selling. I ain’t even gonna get into this shit, except to say those naked short sellers were selling your got-damn shorts. Turns out they liked going commando.
Commercial paper. From what I can tell, this commercial paper bullshit is a lot like college kids bartering with each other for some weed. Some kids get their allowance at the beginning of the week, so they’ve got primo bud by Tuesday morning. Some kids get their allowance at the end of the got-damn week, so they’re stocked up on Friday night. So those Monday-toking kids borrow from the Friday kids at the end of the week, the Friday-toking kids rely on the Monday kids, and they’re all counting on getting a motherfucking allowance check on a regular got-damn basis in order to pay each other back. But when the parents can’t afford to send a check--because Lehman Brothers stole all the parents' fucking money in order to buy themselves their own got-damn weed--that system breaks down.
Subprime mortgage lending. This one’s an easy one. Subprime mortgage lending is like me lending my got-damn star-power to an untried, untested director to make a movie. If that movie’s any got-damn good, everyone’s happy and you end up with Pulp Fiction and an Academy Award nomination. If that movie sucks harder than a got-damn Shop-Vac, you end up with The Man. Make more movies like The Man, and you gonna run out of star-power real got-damn quick, and end up shilling for acne creme on late-nite TV.
I might continue this shit later. Right now, I got me a few CEOs to hunt down and drop golden parachutes on.