I was listening to NPR this afternoon--yeah, motherfucker, I like to hear what Susan Stamberg's got to say--and there was some kid blah-blahing his ass through an interview.

Fifteen year old McKay Hatch has taken it upon himself to brow-beat his peers into feeling like assholes whenever they cuss. He’s written a book (with his parents!) called Raising a G-Rated Family in an X-Rated World.

First off, McKay Hatch, cussing ain’t got one got-damn thing to do with being X-rated. Expletives are mostly R-rated. Sex--which I suspect you ain’t gonna have til you’re thirty-five because of this lame-ass book--is X-rated. And it ain’t even X-rated no more anyhow. It’s NC-17.

Also, what the fuck kind of name is McKay Hatch? Sounds like something a porn star does for a few extra bucks, as in: “Ron Jeremy, if you’ll stand over this chick’s ass and give her a McKay Hatch, we’ll give you another five per cent on your share of the the DVD sales.”

McKay, let Sam Jack tell you someting. In your interview, you offer up some alternative words to cussing. Instead of letting fly with a time-tested expletive, you suggest saying ‘sassafras.' You actually suggest sassafras. And you sound genuine about that shit. Son, I hate to tell you, but saying ‘sassafras’ in some situations just ain’t gonna cut it. Sometimes, you got to say, “You cocksucking motherfucking shit-hole asswipe.” That’s just how it is. Sometimes, McKay, you just got to forget about being all proper and shit, and go for evocative.

Say you’re riding along in seat 3A of a passenger jet, and you look out your window and notice the icy water of the Hudson River not three feet below, and see that there’s a flaming engine dangling from the wing beside you. And you know when you hit that water, your nuts are gonna retreat to somewhere up near your fucking gall bladder, but, on impact, your got-damn gall bladder might end up four rows back with assorted other pieces of your torso. You can say “Fuck,” or you can say, “Fiddle-sticks,” but the meaning behind the word is the same: “I’m about to die, and I am not at all happy about this fact.”

Check out this motherfucker:


You can say "shit," or you can say, "Bob Saget," but the meaning stays the got-damn same. You really want to look like this guy when you're going to your icy doom, McKay? You really want to say 'sassafras' when your balls are three seconds from flying over your head? And you really want your last act on earth to be an act of got-damn self-censorship?

 Oh, and change your got-damn name. Christ. What the fuck's wrong with your got-damn parents? Shit. They getting royalties from the porn industry?