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Samuel L. Jackson’s Blog

I ain't never met a Christian could swear right

By Samuel L. Jackson

Bio & Blog

I

I've been hearing about all this Christian Bale bullshit, how he bawled out some camera guy for interrupting a shot, and how Christian went off on some f-word tirade for twenty minutes and shit. And everyone tells me, “Man, that Christian can cuss. Dude’s an artist with curse words.”

Oh, la-tee-got-damn-dah! Fuck that. Christian Bale can suck my third nut. What Christian Bale knows about cussing, I can fit in the reservoir tip of my used Magnum condom.

Christian, you want to master the fine art of profanity, you need to know a few things:

1. Don’t overdo the word “fuck.” The f-word is like warm apple pie, you know what I’m saying? Taste on that shit, but don’t wear the word out, otherwise it gets all sloppy. Use some other cuss words now and then to keep that “fuck” nice and tight.

2. If you gonna threaten to kick somebody’s ass, there better be an ass-kicking in your near future. Empty threats make you sound like a redneck. Say you’re gonna kick his ass, then do it. Don't say you're gonna kick some ass, then demand that same ass to be fired. Either kick or fire the ass. You can't have that ass both ways.

3. I don’t know what this shit is about “lights” this and “lights” that, but got-damn, Chris, you ain’t the only motherfucker on the got-damn set. It’s all well and good for you to be feeling the moment while acting, but you got an ugly got-damn mouth and a weird nose. When a light-obsessed camera guy wants to make you look better, you best be sucking on his cock. You need all the good lighting you can get just to make you look less like a guy with severe case of sideways vagina-mouth.

4. While acting in a movie about robot-explosions do not think, “I am so in this acting moment, I’ll verbally disembowel any motherfucker who interrupts me.” Terminator Four ain’t some piece of Bergman fine art--it’s a fucking movie about explosions. There ain't no acting moment in a robot-exploding movie worthy of Art. You’re getting paid a Jessica-Simpson's-ass-load of money to growl out stupid-ass lines about blowing up robots. No need to be so serious that you go all batshit on some guy doing his got-damn job (and, like I said, that guy’s got-damn job is to make sure the lights don’t emphasize your sideways-cunt mouth).

There’s a time and a place to use profanity. Most of those times is all the got-damn time. But the true cussing artisan knows how to be profane. Anyone can use the f-word, but it takes a true got-damn artist to know when to bring out the f-word, and when to leave it simmering in the background. And, Christian, you ain't no motherfucking artist. You're basically auditioning to be in the Rob Blagojevich Story.

2/5/2009 2:30 PM, LA
40 comments

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Comments

Christian Bale:

Dear Mr. Jackson:

I appreciate the unsolicited constructive criticism that you have publicly provided to me. Upon considering your thoughts on the language choices I made, I have arrived at the conclusion that I do not give two shits what a talentless, still coasting on Pulp Fiction, fuckwad thinks. You should have stayed dead after that fucking shark devoured you in Deep Blue Sea. You are a true discredit to my profession. While you watch from your living room as I accept the Academy Award for Lead Actor next year for Terminator 4, please remember this: I WILL NEVER FUCKING WORK WITH YOU EITHER!!!

Sincerely,

Patrick Bateman, I mean, Christian Bale

P.S. My sideways-vagina mouth has served me well. So, suck on that!

2/5/2009 3:00 PM

Samuel L. Jackson:

At least when I'm in a got-damn movie, son, people don't spend all their fucking time talking about the other got-damn actors. Were you even IN Batman?

2/5/2009 6:59 PM

Christian Bale:

You? In a movie? Recently? Word was you were no longer bankable. Something about a nipple-hair fetish. Anyway, I hope you enjoy that straight-to-DVD lifestyle Sam Jack. It fits you . . . like star roles in blockbuster hits fit me. What? I've gotta go, my assistant just found me a crow bar and the caterer has really been asking for it.

2/11/2009 3:40 PM

Samuel L. Jackson:

I ain't done a straight-to-DVD damn thing, Bale. How does it feel to be nominated for an Oscar? Oh wait, that was all your fucking co-stars in that movie you did last year--you ain't never been nominated for shit, while everyone else you work with gets their shit nominated all the got-damn time. Me too. I been nominated. All you seem to be able to do is appear in movies ain't nobody gonna see, or else star in fake-ass blockbuster bullshit movies with actors better than you are. Glad the assistant pulled that crowbar out your ass though. Maybe you'll lighten the fuck up.

2/11/2009 9:51 PM

Christian Bale:

Getting nominated for a Razzie doesn't count Sam Jack. Anyway, I respond really only to note your telling silence on the nipple-hair fetish rumor. Fuck you very much.

2/12/2009 3:08 PM

The George Clooney:

Christian, dude, take it from me: if you're playing Batman, don't talk about nipples. Just... don't.

2/12/2009 8:07 PM

Dalai Lama:

Confucious says:
Motherfucker who doesnt know that its GOD DAMN!, not got-damn, should not lecture on proper cussing etiquette.

2/6/2009 2:20 PM

Samuel L. Jackson:

Confucious say whatever he wants, YOU owe me $100 bucks - 'got-damn' is trademarked for my own personal use. I told you I was an artist of profanity.

2/6/2009 2:32 PM

Christopher Hitchens:

Dal, you clearly are not aware of the rather pedestrian use of 'god damn,' which is a tired and colorless swear word combination denying the reader and the listener of the true emphasis of the emotion indicated by the words. To say "god damn" reminds one of Biblical retribution. To say "got-damn," however, allows for character and emotion far removed from the gristly, growling white-bearded Sky God.

Which sounds better: Buddha damn, or butta damn?

2/6/2009 10:10 PM

Dalai Lama:

Confucious also say:
Suck my pendulous tibetan holy balls Sam Jack. You can find me in the Himalayas to try to collect but I cant promise there wont be some Shao Lin motherfuckers waiting fo yo ass, I aint talkin no buddist monks neither, Im talking Wu Tang Killa Bee niggas who gunnas sew you asshole closed & keep feedin you & feedin you & feeding you.....

2/6/2009 3:36 PM

Confucious:

Mr. Lama, please stop perpetuating the disgusting myth that I do not understand proper grammar. I assure that I do, in fact, know that "Confucius say" this or "Confucius say" that is not the proper way to construct a sentence, much as placing bricks atop an atom of air is not the correct way to construct a bridge.

Also, please remember that a man in orange robes should not use purple language, as the colors clash.

2/6/2009 10:00 PM

Gordon Ramsay:

Let's not forget who fucking made swearing celebrities fucking popular in the first fucking place.

Fucking amateurs.

2/9/2009 1:15 AM

Al Pacino:

What, you fucking kidding me? You fucking limey cocksucker, you haven't made shit popular.

2/9/2009 10:40 AM

amichelle:

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2/11/2009 7:27 AM

amichelle:

I love this site !!! Its totally awesome :).. Another site similar to this that I blog on is ..http://pop.ology.com/2009/02/10/valentines-listology-the-7-celebrity-couples-i-miss/. let me know what you guys think :).

2/11/2009 7:30 AM

Samuel L. Jackson:

god damn I hate all this internet spam, why the hell are all these people posting these god damn advertisements on my blog. for christ sake i open my heart and soul to tell you the proper way to swear and this woman posts a link about a god damn celebrity breakup, get over yourself, we are talking about me here. and before i see a link to some male enhancement, i just want you to know the ladies do not need Samuel L. Jackson to be any more enhanced

2/16/2009 8:50 PM

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2/16/2009 10:38 PM

Ann Coulter:

I've seen a lot of adds for those pills before and i have not found one that has worked yet, what makes this one any different from all the others that I've tried?

2/16/2009 11:15 PM

Ann Coulter:

I've seen a lot of adds for those pills before and i have not found one that has worked yet, what makes this one any different from all the others that I've tried?

2/16/2009 11:15 PM

Ann Coulter:

I've seen a lot of adds for those pills before and i haven't found any that have worked for me yet, what makes this one any different from all the others that I've tried?

2/16/2009 11:17 PM

Bill O'Reilly:

Bitch, you are on some kinda fucking pill because you keep repeating yourself. You've either been fucked silly by Sam Jack and lost your bearings or you've been dipping in Limbaughs stash. Get yourself together sister.

2/20/2009 9:48 AM

Samuel L. Jackson:

"Fucked silly by Sam Jack"? What the fuck, Billo? I wouldn't fuck that nasty skank with YOUR dick!

2/20/2009 8:48 PM

Bill O'Reilly:

Sam, come on! I was joking. Everyone knows Ann comes equipped with her own silly-fucking dick.

2/21/2009 10:45 PM

Quentin Tarantino:

Sam, you got to admit you've done shit since PF. What the fuck was the Afro Samurai shit all about.

2/20/2009 11:42 AM

Samuel L. Jackson:

Quent, you are aware that there's thing called the internet, and on that internet there's a thing called imdb.com, right? I suggest you look your flapping ass up on there, then do a Sam Jack search, and compare and got-damn contrast the movies you've done versus the movies I've done. Also, you might want to cross-reference that shit too, since I've been in so many of your other post-Pulp bullshit movies.

2/21/2009 10:49 PM

Quentin Tarantino:

if you wanted me to go all imdb on your ass why don't you say so, apparently my lowest rated movie is jackie brown which had you in it, and as for your page, lets just say "the man" and "the spirit" were considered horrible by just about everyone, we still don't know how your career survived those, so don't start picking fights with the director which might be responsible for turning your ass into a respectable actor again

2/22/2009 11:32 PM

Christian Bale:

And boom goes the dynamite, you nipple-hair loving, shark-devoured, PF-coasting motherfucker. Sam Jack, when Quentin says it is so, then you better believe it is fucking so!!!

2/23/2009 12:41 PM

Samuel L. Jackson:

I guess Quent's forgetting about me playing music for his ass, special cameo, in Kill Bill. Plus I believe I'm narrating his next got-damn flick. Wait--what the fuck we talking about ME for? You're the fuck-up, Bale. Not me.

2/23/2009 2:09 PM

Mr. T:

T pities the fool that the Sam Jack has become. T remembers liking the Sam Jack so much that T thought it'd be great if the Sam Jack played T in the big screen version of the A Team. Now, T only hopes the Sam Jack would go away and spend the rest of his career filming commercials in some far away place like Japan or fucking Budapest.

2/25/2009 10:21 AM

Billy Joel:

Sam i am only going to say thins once, I AM THE PIANO MAN; and like the fucking highlander there can be only one. and if your part was that special in kill bill why the hell weren't you nominated for an Oscar. I know maybe because you were in the movie for less than a Minute and had a completely useless part like you always do.

2/25/2009 6:32 PM

Samuel L. Jackson:

Fuck y'all. I'm taking my 9 picture/Nick Fury deal, and leaving you motherfuckers to whine and bitch out random stagehands. Billy, it's been about two decades since your last hit. And T... man... I'm just gonna leave it at that. Man.

2/27/2009 12:35 AM

David Hasselhoff:

I think you forgot who the true Nick Fury is, I did such a perfect job back in 98 no one could understand how i was passed over for an oscar that year. so sam just remember when you get all the bad reviews for all those movies where you play Nick Fury, that it is because you are being compared to me, and no one is as great as the Hoff, i really rocked the hell out of that eye patch.

2/28/2009 8:53 PM

Bigfoot:

Suck my dick Suck my dick you muthafucker suck my dick

2/22/2009 7:22 PM

Christopher Walken:

for the last time Bigfoot, where the hell is my money, i swear if i hear you blew it all on prostitutes there will be one less mythical creature roaming the forests from now on, Chris Walken never forgets debts owed to him.

2/22/2009 11:21 PM

Will Smith:

My ears are big

2/22/2009 7:23 PM

R. Kelly:

shut up.. we all know my role in "peeing on children 2" should be nominated for an oscar! fuck yall

3/27/2009 3:02 PM

R. Kelly:

shut up.. we all know my role in "peeing on children 2" should be nominated for an oscar! fuck yall

3/27/2009 3:02 PM

R. Kelly:

shut up.. we all know my role in "peeing on children 2" should be nominated for an oscar! fuck yall

3/27/2009 3:02 PM

R. Kelly:

shut up.. we all know my role in "peeing on children 2" should be nominated for an oscar! fuck yall

3/27/2009 3:02 PM

Al Sharpton:

Now, Mr. Kelly, you know it's not right for you to be peein' on these chillden. You are not bringing yourself down, you're bringing our entire race down! Do we need this? Do we need you to rape our race, when we're already being sodomized by these "musicians", like Fifty Cents? DO WE NEED THAT?

4/5/2009 12:16 AM