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Samuel L. Jackson’s Blog

Sam Jack hit it big with playing Jules Winnfield in Quentin Tarantino's Pulp Fiction. He's starred in the remake of Shaft, then he starred in that movie where he played a guy like Shaft, and that other movie where he seemed more like Shaft than he did in that other other movie where he seemed very Shaft-like. Also, he's starred in several films of dubious reputation, and was eaten by a shark. And Star Wars, in which he played a character named Windu who fell out of a window.

Joe the Plumber cleans out my election-night catharsis

By Samuel L. Jackson

I took a Ron Paul sized crap after it was official that a got-damn half-brother was gonna be my next president. Clogged up the motherfucking toilet. Immediately called a plumber. Not five minutes went by before a plumber showed his ass up.

Me: Wow. Thanks for coming over so quick.

Plumber: I was in the area.
Jon Voight lives just down from you. I was watching the election results at his place.

Me: No shit?

Plumber: Well, I was parked outside his house waiting for him to ask me in. Met him at a rally once, thought he might like to hang.

So I took the motherfucker up to my bathroom and showed him the toilet. I was kind of embarrassed about the giant got-damn turd jamming up the bowl.

Plumber: Don’t worry about it. I’ve seen bigger turds.

He then formally introduced himself. Joe the Plumber.

11/6/2008 8:46 AM, L.A.
1 comment

Obama, forgive me--I knew not what I'd done

By Samuel L. Jackson

Bio & Blog

Now that I’m a Barr-man, I decided I’d better go over to his Wikipedia page to see what the Bert-looking motherfucker’s all about. Because unlike some motherfuckers, I ain't joining up with some person that I ain't properly checked out.

First off, Barr “authored and sponsored” the Defense of Marriage Act. Barr thought that if you get too many closeted homos running around divorcing their fat-ass wives so they can marry the pool boy, civilization would die the fuck out. Best keep those trapped, deluded queers right where they belong: cutting the grass, hitting the bottle, faking impotence and weeping into their pillow instead of biting on it.

Okay, Barr. I’ll... I’ll go with you on that one. I ain't gay. Don't matter to me. Thanks for defending my marriage acts.

Secondly, the Bert-looking motherfucker was one of the main Republicans to push for a Clinton impeachment hearing, making lying about a blow job a high crime on the level of Watergate and whatever the fuck it was Andrew Johnson did. Barr was so determined to bring down Bill Clinton by tugging on the President’s pud that he introduced “a resolution directing the Judiciary Committee to inquire into impeachment hearings” months before anyone ever even heard of Monica Lewinsky.

10/22/2008 9:21 AM, L.A.

That's it--I'm now a Barr-man

By Samuel L. Jackson

Bio & Blog

Now that Christopher got-damn Buckley has decided to endorse my man Obam, I'm going to the Barr. It’s a hard thing for me, but I’m withdrawing my premature endorsement of Barack Obama. Instead, I’m now a Bob Barr-man.

But before y'all get all “But Sam Jack, you’ve been an Obama supporter for damn near three months,” let me just say that this shit didn’t come easy. I thought about it long and hard.

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people-- Buckleys, for instance--to dissolve the political bands which have connected them to other got-damn Republicans and to take up with the leader of their political enemies, all I can say is, "Holy fucking shit."

And it ain't just Christopher Buckley. It's a whole got-damn bunch of conservative Republicans. Christopher Hitchens, a Bush apologist and current Obama supporter. Dennis Hopper, so got-damn Republican he was in An American Carol shooting members of the ACLU with a rifle, is now “praying” for an Obama win. George Will, David Brooks, and Bill Kristol are giving Obama tacit got-damn endorsements by refusing to slime the brother.

10/15/2008 1:57 PM, L.A.

Welcome to the got-damn cashless society

By Samuel L. Jackson

Bio & Blog

When they said we’d be going into a cashless society, this ain’t the bullshit I thought they were talking about. I thought cashless meant we’d be converting over to plastic cards, not plastic soup bowls.

But hell naw. The cashless society means just that: we ain’t got no got-damn cash.

Here’s some terms I learned this week. And I learned these terms just so I’d know who the hell to bitch-slap next time I’m in Manhattan.

Short selling. If I got this shit correct, it's kind of like where George Lucas borrowed all those fond fucking memories you had about the original Star Wars trilogy, invested your nostalgia into a new movie, then make a profit off selling himself some tie-ins and DVDs for The Phantom Menace.

Naked short selling.
I ain’t even gonna get into this shit, except to say those naked short sellers were selling your got-damn shorts. Turns out they liked going commando.

Commercial paper. From what I can tell, this commercial paper bullshit is a lot like college kids bartering with each other for some weed. Some kids get their allowance at the beginning of the week, so they’ve got primo bud by Tuesday morning. Some kids get their allowance at the end of the got-damn week, so they’re stocked up on Friday night. So those Monday-toking kids borrow from the Friday kids at the end of the week, the Friday-toking kids rely on the Monday kids, and they’re all counting on getting a motherfucking allowance check on a regular got-damn basis in order to pay each other back. But when the parents can’t afford to send a check--because Lehman Brothers stole all the parents' fucking money in order to buy themselves their own got-damn weed--that system breaks down.

10/8/2008 10:45 AM, L.A.

What did Sarah Palin read, and when did the bitch read it? Katie Couric wants to know

By Samuel L. Jackson

Bio & Blog

I promised myself I wouldn’t write about the Evita of Alaska again, but got-damn.

So Katie Couric asked Sarah Palin to name a got-damn periodical. Just name one periodical. One got-damn magazine, one got-damn newspaper. Katie didn't ask for a recitation of the got-damn masthead. She just wanted one got-damn title.

But the Alaskan Abroad, when asked what newspapers and magazines she reads, said this: "I've read them all." And when Katie pressed Palin to name just one title, the moose-murderess answered, “Most of them. All of them. Any of them.”

10/3/2008 9:25 AM, L.A.

Over 9000 penises, Oprah Winfrey, child porn, and my got-damn Corona

By Samuel L. Jackson

Bio & Blog

I was watching me some Oprah Friday and damn near fell out of my chair when she said this:

Over 9000 penises all raping children? What the fuck, Oprah? I don’t need to be hearing that shit in the middle of the afternoon when I’m trying to unwind with a Corona and a cigar. Damn near choked on my lime.

9/22/2008 1:56 PM, Los Angeles

F the economy, let's spend money on Sarah Palin's Yahoo account

By Samuel L. Jackson

Bio & Blog

From Palin's Yahoo account: A retarded face with a retarded baby--how appropriate

You know, it ain’t the fact that Sarah Palin used a got-damn Yahoo email account to conduct government business.

Naw, man, what gets me is that the secret service is investigating her Yahoo-hacked ass. Shit, my livejournal was hacked once and I didn't see no NSA agents crawling around my wi-fi server. Maybe I should've been using a notoriously hackable site to pass around some government secrets instead of just talking about how much I hate taking out the got-damn garbage.

Apparently we civilians can be breached like an Oz inmate, but let Sarah got-damn Palin get her email peeked at and suddenly all the got-damn resources of the United States government are called into action, like her Yahoo account is the repository for all the classified government documents that there ever fucking was. I mean got-damn, it ain't like the bitch was getting email from the Grassy Knoll, right?

9/19/2008 12:13 PM, A secure server

My heart won't go on, but my got-damn movie career will

By Samuel L. Jackson

Bio & Blog

This ain’t cool. It ain’t cool at all. It’s so uncool that Al fucking Gore’s holding a got-damn symposium on just how warm this shit is.

Motherfuckers are getting all Lucas-y with the CGI to make it look like I auditioned for a got-damn boat movie. If it’s one thing I ain’t gonna tolerate, it’s some dumbass nerds with Final Cut Pro editing me like that shit.

9/16/2008 2:06 PM, Los Angeles

Got-damn, Dems, get your community organized before you Swift-boat your own nominee

By Samuel L. Jackson

Bio & Blog

I got a message for some got-damn Democrats: Would you chill your asses out and stop second-guessing Barack Obama? I mean, got-damn, the brother beat both Clintons with one motherfucking hand behind his back--don’t that give you the courage to believe, for once, that the person you put up there to lead your asses is the right got-damn choice?

I realize y’all got your faith shaken by that Kerry bullshit from four years ago. Truth is, nobody could’ve beaten Bush in 2004, so get the fuck over it, stand behind your got-damn candidate, and stop insisting he attack McCain and Palin with a broken beer bottle and a baseball bat.

9/9/2008 10:52 AM, I'm everywhere, motherfucker

With great got-damn sex comes great got-damn responsibility

9/4/2008 10:09 AM, Los Angeles

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