I just did me a search on Google for “self-inflicted nail injury.” Seemed apros-motherfucking-po since I’ve been trying real hard to pay attention to politics lately.

Y’all read the story about the dude in Bahrain who had a two-inch nail pulled out of his pecker? Dude shows up at a doctor’s office complaining about some severe motherfucking pain in his fuck-stick region. After a quick inspection of the area, the doctor couldn’t help but notice a two inch got-damn nail shoved down his pee-hole. When asked, the dude says that the nail must’ve been put there “without his knowledge.” Which is how I feel about this fucking superdelegate bullshit–I’ve got some superdelegates shoved down my pee-hole, and I ain’t got no motherfucking clue how the fuckers got there.

I don’t know if y’all know this or not, but I’ve got a new movie coming out. It’s called Jumper. It’s got Hayden Christensen in it.

Jumper ain’t no masterpiece, but it’s a fuck-twat better than that Star Wars bullshit Hayden and I did a few years back. I mean I told Lucas I’d play Mace Windu only if I didn’t go out like no got-damn chump. And how’d I go out? Like a got-damn, scrotum-fingering chump. Even Boba Fett got a better death than I got. I fell out a motherfucking window. Yeah, motherfucker, Mace Windu and Eric Clapton’s got-damn kid are now singing about tears in Heaven.

Anyway. Yeah. Jumper, motherfucker. Go see it. It might suck, but I’ve got some creepy-ass white hair.

Holy shit. I thought that guy in the Obama video was Omar Epps from “House”. The Black Eyed Pea motherfucker ain’t got no got-damn business looking like Dr. Foreman when I’m jonesing for anything “House”-related in these writer’s-on-motherfucking-strike times.

And does the motherfucker think he’s clever with that Will.i.am/Will I am bullshit? Yeah, motherfucker, we get it, now go read some fucking Dr. Seuss and give those two periods to Britney got-damn Spears.

While I’m on the subject of Barack Hussein Obama and his campaign video, I’d like to point something out to all you white people. I don’t know if you motherfuckers have noticed, but Obama’s got some African blood in him. Now, I know his narrow nose and thin lips might be throwing you white people off, since y’all ain’t used to us African-Americans looking diverse and shit, but trust me on this: Barack Obama is of mixed races, and those races ain’t Asian and Samoan, if you know what I’m saying.

I’m sitting here, watching the pre-game show for the Super Bowl. Y’all won’t be reading this til tomorrow. It’s motherfucking 9 AM in the got-damn morning on Sunday when I’m writing this shit, and there’s a pre-game show before the pre-game show, which is like calling masturbation “pre-post-coital foreplay.”

Which reminds me. I was watching that Entertainment Tonight show, and Mary Hart starts talking about Britney Spears, and how the crazy bitch has finally been taken off by the nice men in white coats, and how awful it’s been watching Britney spiral out of control. In the next got-damn breath, Mary Hart says, “And now, join us as we go backstage with hot teen music sensation Miley Cyrus.” And I’m thinking, got-damn! Place your got-damn bets on how long til the new pop queen cracks.

Y’all know I’m a movie star, right. There ain’t no hiding it — I’m recognizable, I got a distinct got-damn voice, and I can’t go into a McDonald’s without some motherfucker asking me to say some damn shit about Quarter-Pounders and Big Macs.

That’s why I ain’t going near Scientology.

I’m fucking sick of Ron Paul.

I wouldn’t vote for the motherfucker if he promised to give us a happy-ending massage and a new car. I wouldn’t vote for the motherfucker if he gave me a got-damn blow-job in the voting booth. I wouldn’t vote for Ron Paul if the motherfucker shit daisies and ten dollar bills.

You know why I won’t vote for Ron Paul? His supporters are annoying the shit out of me. They’re acting like he’s Tom Joad or some shit. “Wherever Ron Paul’s name is mentioned, I’ll comment. Wherever Ron Paul bombs in the polls, I’ll be there to insist there was fraud. Wherever Ron Paul wipes his ass, I’ll be there to proclaim the toilet paper a sacred got-damn object to be studied and celebrated on Fark.com.”

Associated Press

While there was a Golden Globe awards show last night, there wasn’t a ceremony, a red carpet, a Joan Rivers, a Billy Bush, or reaction shots of Jack Nicholson laughing his high ass off at bad jokes.

I don’t usually go to these motherfucking award shows, but I like to know I’m missing them when they go on.

Cate Blanchett won a Golden Globe. What a big motherfucking surprise. Bitch is the new Meryl Streep–she could win an award for coughing up phlegm, so long as she uses an accent when she makes that final hock. Which is cool I guess–not all of us can be Pia Zadora and have our husband buy us a motherfucking award–some of us actually got to earn the motherfucker.

This weekend, a dumb white bitch on the Golf Channel said that young golfers want to lynch Tiger Woods and even though Tiger is as cool as iced tea about the whole thing, Al Sharpton thinks that stupid bitch is worse than Imus. All I got to say to Al is, C’mon man. Bitch didn’t mean white people should rustle up a posse of KKK members before stringing the negro up like he raped Scarlett O’Hara.

This same week, everyone’s bitching about some white guy’s comment that Obama was “shucking and jiving” during a press conference.

If we’re going to elect us a black motherfucking president, the first got-damn thing we got to do is stop being so motherfucking reactionary when someone uses words like “lynch” and “shuck and jive.”

15% of the precincts reporting: Clinton 40%/Obama 36%/McCain Supreme Ruler

Who the fuck names a baby “Wolf” when the motherfucker already has the macho last name of Blitzer? And why the hell would a nice Irish family name a daughter “Soledad”? Though for an Irish chick she sure is dark.

This shit is boring. These motherfuckers are acting like we’re on the last night of the campaign, like tonight is the Super Bowl. This ain’t no got-damn football game; it’s a process. Ain’t there some Britney news going on that Anderson Cooper can talk about? Ain’t Seinfeld needing to plug another got-damn movie on Larry King?

2 mins later

This HD television shit sucks. I don’t know what the hell’s going on cause I can’t stop counting McCain’s melanoma spots.