Attention young earthlings, I have some startling news: The government is watching you hump. Their records show fewer teens bumping they uglies together, and also more man-teen-earthlings are wrapping their pee-pees in rubber than last year.
In unrelated news, teen pregnancies are on the decline.
Shaq is confused, discombobulated and addlebrained. Now, I ain’t claiming to be an expert in diagnosing where babies come from, because Shaq, thought omnipotent, does not know everything. But Shaq doesn’t think this report is good news like the usually accurate FOX News says.
Why doesn’t America want more babies? Babies are adorable. They are silly bundles of love and mushed carrots and toys and poop. Babies put a smile on Shaq’s face.
Then, on second thought, Shaq realizes that babies annoy him. They cry and fart and eat and smell, like the fatsos on “Shaq’s Big Challenge.” Shaq was never a baby … OK, he was, but it was only for one week, and Shaq was the only baby in the world who never cried. But since he was 3’ 2”, 120 pounds at birth, his momma sure cried a lot.
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