Associated Press

The rumors are true: Shaq has filed for divorce. In the spirit of the recent Al Sharpton scandal, Shaq would like to prepare some remarks for MSNBC.com:

Shaunie, I am sorry that this had to happen. But when a woman tries to keep secrets from Shaq, she must pay the consequences. When you were hiding that cash in the garbage pails behind the pool, I thought it was just part of our kinky Sopranos role-playing. But it turns out that you were really hiding cash from me, and now Shaq is broke.

It’s not all your fault, Shaunie. It doesn’t help that Shaq only allowed you to address him as “#32.” It was probably wrong of me to demand that you dress as a Nubian Queen to all of our dinner parties. What probably put you over the top was when Shaq made you repeat “The Royal Penis is clean, your Highness” after every time we made oral love.

Shaunie, you are beautiful and caring, and are the mother of some of my children. I will miss you dearly. But you know what this means …

SHAQ IS SINGLE!