Photo by landhere via Flickr

Ugh. There is nothing more depressing than spending your birthday in the hospital as your last days as an important world leader melt away. Yesterday I had the most awkward birthday party ever - even worse than my college days at USC when I drank too much and was woken up wearing nothing but a cowbell by a frightened Sacramento farmer.

My three favorite nurses (Nanako, Ai, and Megumi) were all there, which you’d think would make for a great party. Unfortunately, my wife also decided to share the occasion. You can imagine my reaction when I opened Nanako’s present - a translucent nurse’s uniform and a Viagra (inside joke). AWKWARD!

I’m still hanging out here in the hospital, on the road to recovery. Yes, Nanako, I’m coming for my sponge bath in just a second, hun. So anyway, a few days ago I handed my brog over to Taro Aso, who is now the underdog in the race for the most honored job on Earth. The front runner? For that, I turn the keys of my brog over to Yasuo Fukuda:

Associated Press

I was intrigued by a text message I received from Shinzo Abe last week. In it, he wrote:

“wut up, F-bomb? u wanna wr1t3 n my brog? so much hott american ass reads dat shit. I git 100 emailz a day from dem bitches. u wont tho. ur old. im 133t. RORzers!
~da shinz

Well, I ignored it at first. I thought it was just his medication talking. But my fresh-out-of-college English translater, Myron (translator’s note: hiya :) ) let me know that he was offering me a chance to communicate with everyone through a series of wires and circuits that are apparently interconnected throughout the world. My, how technology has changed: when I was a child growing up pre-WWII, we had nothing but Super Mario Bros. and Duck Hunt to keep us occupied (It wasn’t until 40 years later that we realized we could send the Americans those old relics and make a killing).

While I am busy being treated for my affliction, I thought I would hand my blog over to the two men vying to become the next leader of civilization. First up is Taro Aso.

Courtesy of Wikipedia.org

Hi! I’m Taro Aso. And that’s just what I’m gonna do to you if you don’t make me prime minister! You don’t berieve me? I went to Stanford. We know how to fight.

But for real man, people don’t understand me. They call me all sorts of things, but don’t worry: I’m going to dispel the rumors right here and now so you know I’m the man to unite the world into a single Japearth.

First of all, they say I’m just like Shinzo. What za heru, man? We are totarry different. I’ll give you some examples:

1. Shinzo’s favorite color is red. I, on the other hand, prefer a slightly darker shade of red.

You may have heard that I checked myself into the hospital for exhaustion and stress. Well, this is partly true. Yes, I’m tired and stressed, and yes, that’s why I went to the hospital…sort of. When work gets you down, you just want to turn to the things that make you happy. What makes me happy?

Associated Press

“Why, Shinzo, why?” That’s what they are all asking me, with tears welled up in their eyes. I mean, here I am, fearless leader of the greatest country on Earth, adored by millions, and a sexual icon.

Believe me when I say this is for your own good. The world has become insanely jealous of our power and has attacked us with a non-stop barrage of lies: Comfort women, the Nanking Massacre, Pearl Harbor. Lies, lies, lies! I would never turn my back on this country. I am so patriotic, I purposefully cut myself shaving every morning just so I can make little japan flags all over my face.

No, I am leaving because I realize that a leader with such a brilliant vision as my own cannot help but continue to make Japan grow stronger and stronger - while the world grows more and more jealous. So while the pundits point to my miserable erection, I am actually stepping down because I am too good for you.

So apparently the Shaolin Monks, renown ninja-trainers in China, are crying over an internet rumor that a Japanese ninja kicked their asses.

The Internet user, calling themselves “Five Minutes Every Day,” said on an online forum last week that a Japanese ninja came to Shaolin, asked for a fight and many monks failed to beat him, the newspaper said.

So these Shaolin nancy-boys actually think they could last more than a few minutes with a Ninja before being sliced into hundreds of pieces by a single boomerang throwing star? I don’t mean to be rude, but (ROR!!! LOTFR!!!) Seriously, you can’t even advance past Dhalsim,

Because I just redid the cabinet.

Photo by bronyz1 via Fickr.

Yes I’m funny, but pardon me if I don’t laugh. Nobody likes having to fire their friends. Especially when it involves replacing them with a bunch of sticks in the mud. If this is what it takes to stay Prime Minister, I don’t know if I want it. This is the damage they have wreaked at the office within one short week:

• They took out the Centipede arcade game just as I was nearing Toshikatsu’s high score. I would have been immortalized forever since we’re the only two who played and well, he’s dead.
• No more all-u-can-drink whiskey at morning meetings (2 drink limit now enforced).
• We used to unwind after a long work week by escaping our wives to a little place too hot to mention here. Now we have a mandatory family TGIF dinner every week at TGI Friday’s. Ugh!

Man, last night really took me for a ride. After a teary farewell to my old cabinet while knocking back some sake at the local hostess club, I was walking to the love hotel. Just before we arrived at the entrance, I instinctively pointed up to the sky. I always try to say some shit about how beautiful the stars look or the way the moon shines down on their hair.

So I point up then figure I’d better turn my head so it looks like I’m looking at what I’m talking about. Well, my jaw just drops open as I see the moon half blacked out! I keep staring at it, entranced, as the darkness slowly swallows the moon. I’m not sure if it is a UFO invasion or Kim Jong Il finally pressed the big red “DO NOT PUSH” button, but I do know we’ve only got a few more hours until the Earth is just a collection of burning embers flying through space. I shed a tear for Japan, abandoned the doe-eyed beauty, and stumbled into an abandoned alley for privacy. Cell phone drawn, I hit speed dial #1 - I had to get the truth out while there was still time. I had to confess my love:

Associated Press

Jenna: (yawn) Who is this?
Me: It’s Shinzo. I’m corring to say I rabu you!