I’m still hanging out here in the hospital, on the road to recovery. Yes, Nanako, I’m coming for my sponge bath in just a second, hun. So anyway, a few days ago I handed my brog over to Taro Aso, who is now the underdog in the race for the most honored job on Earth. The front runner? For that, I turn the keys of my brog over to Yasuo Fukuda:

Associated Press

I was intrigued by a text message I received from Shinzo Abe last week. In it, he wrote:

“wut up, F-bomb? u wanna wr1t3 n my brog? so much hott american ass reads dat shit. I git 100 emailz a day from dem bitches. u wont tho. ur old. im 133t. RORzers!
~da shinz

Well, I ignored it at first. I thought it was just his medication talking. But my fresh-out-of-college English translater, Myron (translator’s note: hiya :) ) let me know that he was offering me a chance to communicate with everyone through a series of wires and circuits that are apparently interconnected throughout the world. My, how technology has changed: when I was a child growing up pre-WWII, we had nothing but Super Mario Bros. and Duck Hunt to keep us occupied (It wasn’t until 40 years later that we realized we could send the Americans those old relics and make a killing).

I’m told that Shinzo and Taro wrote their own soliloquies in English, by themselves. I must apologize, I am not quite as hip to the international scene as those two. That’s why I called a hiring agency to get myself a translator. They sent Myron over (translator’s note: hiya again!!). So apparently, he writes down everything I say. Only instead of writing it in my words, he puts it in a way that you will understand. Say, Myron, what would it look like if I said something like, oh, let’s say, “The bumblebee on the ledge has tremendous wing dexterity.” (translator’s note: I just pointed to the screen)? What? That looks nothing like what I said. It all looks like the random scribblings of a child to me. No wonder you studied Japanese, Myron. Your language makes no sense at all. Let’s do some more. What does it look like if I say this? How about this? And this? (translator’s note: I committed the cardinal translating sin of omitting 47 more “and this?” questions. I do beg for your forgiveness.)

I was a bit disappointed in the fact that they didn’t send over one of those large-chested girls America is known for. Shinzo showed me the videos they make during their spring holiday. So imagine how I must’ve felt when this pasty little geek in a cardigan comes through my door (translator’s note: ummm, I’m sitting right here, you know. I understand everythng you’re saying about me). Actually, he’s just about the homeliest thing I’ve ever seen. I’d rather be looking at that one-eyed alley cat I always shoo away (translator’s note: You’re treading on thin ice, Fukuda). I think he is one of those American fellows who can’t get ladies to perform activities of the sexual kind back home so he’s forced to use his foreign charm to try to find a lady in another country (translator’s note: Fuck you, dickweed. I only took this job because it will look good on my resume. Oh, and I CAN get girls back home, they just don’t have the capacity to appreciate the subtler nuances of anime.) Oh well, I’m sure I’ll be able to chose my own translator once I’m chosen as Prime Minister.

It was pretty obvious once Taro Aso revealed he reads 10-15 manga a week that he wasn’t going to be the choice. I mean honestly, a grown man reading comics? It is pretty creepy. (translator’s note: Creepy? That’s the last straw, Fukuda!)

Hi, I’m Fukuda, and I’m such a poopy pants. Did you know I wear a diaper because I can’t control my bowel movements? It’s so frickin’ obvious and everyone can tell, but people are just too polite to say anything about it to me. Well, I guess I’m about to become your Prime Minister even though I’m such a Grade A moron. I mean, I wouldn’t even be able to defeat a band of small orcs if I were a level 32 Drow Mage wielding an enchanted axe with a shitload of mana points. I’m too busy thinking about big breasted girls to even give me knowledgeable and way cool translator a chance. Instead, I act like an asshole towards him even though it’s his first time living away from home and in a foreign country. Yeah, what a big man I am. Speaking of Myron, I can tell by the looks of him that he’s totally getting hella babes every night, but if you’re a hot girl you can e-mail him at OrcSlasherMyron@gmail.com. Maybe he’ll make time for you.

So in summation: I’m lame. Myron rules.