via whitehouse.gov

Y’all like Big Ben? I do.
Y’all like Neil Irwin? Me, too.
Y’all like Irwin’s article about Big Ben’s big speech at the Big Top tomorrow? Me, neither.

If you’re too lazy or impatient to click on a damn link, Neil says Big Ben best not say too much at his Fed speech tomorrow, lest the markets pull a Lo-Lo. Of course he also says Big Ben best not say too little lest the markets pull a Lo-Lo. C’mon, Neil. You better than that, baby. Take a chance. Go out on a limb. At least make a prediction of some sort. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t — what kind of shit is that? If that’s all it takes to become a business reporter for one of the nation’s most respected papers, then what the fuck am I doing writing for News Groper?

Associated Press

So Acer just bought Gateway. I’m not one to force my stance on horizontal acquisition down anyone’s throats, but this deal makes negative sense to me. It’s gonna cost Acer $710 Million, and according to CEO JT Wang (swear to god that’s the dude’s name), “After this acquisition, we are solidly number three in the global PC market.” Seems like a lot of trouble to go through just to be number three. That’s like my agent telling me I should collaborate with Avril Lavigne just so we might win a Grammy for best soundtrack.

Associated Press

So Rupert Murdoch just bought the Wall Street Journal. My posse and I were talking about this the other day on the tour bus, and Soopafly was all like, “Great. Now where am I going to get even-handed market coverage?” and Kurupt was all like, “Come on now, it’s the market. The Dow Fucking Jones. Shit’s never been ‘even-handed’

Associated Press

I ain’t sure exactly when, but somewhere along the line shit in the world just flips. Case in hollow-point- 17 of the Fortune 500 companies are in the red. That means they lose money. And not no $10, neither. We’re talking billions. Now I’m just a simple multi-millionaire entertainment mogul, but where I come from if you can’t pay your bills they come and take your furniture. Can you imagine what they’d do to me if I lost $12.6 billion? I guess once you hit a billion, stupid shit like plus signs and minus signs don’t apply. Also, it helps if you’re a bunch of old white dudes. That tends to keep fuckers off your back.

Sup, nephews? I like to see my fans floating high, but not in a sea of stock market confusion. Your portfolio needs to be a yacht, not a life raft. Feel me? Rather than let y’all struggle with it, I’m a throw you a bone — three lock-down, dead on BALLS stock picks. It’s gonna rain. Don’t look this gift horse in the mouth. My triple-x mouth bling is brighter than the light of a thousand suns, and you’re bound to go blind. Check it:

General Motors (GM) Current: 35.20, Target: 30.00 Rec: SELL!
GM lost 10.8 billion fucking dollars last year. This one don’t take a high school graduate to figure out.

Sysco (SYY) Current: 33.99, Target: 33.00 Rec: SELL!
The only thing that makes me more nervous than a silicon valley CFO exercising stock options is a routine traffic violation. Sell this shit before it hits the fan.

Microsoft (MSFT): Current: 30.16, Target: 40.00, Rec: BUY!
This Zune thing is gonna catch fire. Take it to the bank.

Y’all can thank me later with an email from your diamond-studded Blackberries. See you poolside, bitches.