Sup, nephews? I like to see my fans floating high, but not in a sea of stock market confusion. Your portfolio needs to be a yacht, not a life raft. Feel me? Rather than let y’all struggle with it, I’m a throw you a bone — three lock-down, dead on BALLS stock picks. It’s gonna rain. Don’t look this gift horse in the mouth. My triple-x mouth bling is brighter than the light of a thousand suns, and you’re bound to go blind. Check it:

General Motors (GM) Current: 35.20, Target: 30.00 Rec: SELL!
GM lost 10.8 billion fucking dollars last year. This one don’t take a high school graduate to figure out.

Sysco (SYY) Current: 33.99, Target: 33.00 Rec: SELL!
The only thing that makes me more nervous than a silicon valley CFO exercising stock options is a routine traffic violation. Sell this shit before it hits the fan.

Microsoft (MSFT): Current: 30.16, Target: 40.00, Rec: BUY!
This Zune thing is gonna catch fire. Take it to the bank.

Y’all can thank me later with an email from your diamond-studded Blackberries. See you poolside, bitches.