If you been following my career at all, you know what I done for the advancement of the humanities. Practically invented G-funk rap. Dramatically expanded the use of the suffix "izzle" in the English language. Appeared in a commercial with Lee Iacocca. 'Nuf said.

One thing I don't have is a place on the Five-Foot Shelf of Harvard Classics, the 51-volume anthology of the classic works of world literature. It don't make no sense. They got Dante, Shakespeare and Milton. Man, I can whip every one of them suckers, and not just because they're dead.

Harvard's had a hip-hop problem ever since they dissed Marcyliena Morgan, Professor of Hip Hop Studies, and she left for Stanford. But I can help them fix it. They got guys on the Five-Foot Shelf can't even spell their own names. Like "Ptolemy". Dog, there ain't no P. It's "Tolemizzle".

Nobody reads Ptolemy any more anyway. Who needs him? Everybody's got a calculator on their cell phone. Take yours out and look at it. And while you're at it, call Harvard and tell them to put The Collected Works of Calvin Broadus, Jr. on the shelf. The number is (617) 495-1000. If you call now, I'll send you a director's cut edition of "2 of Amerikaz Most Wanted" with Tupac, and a free Doggystyle mouse pad and coffee mug.

Operators are standing by, so call now. Or I'll send my posse over to your crib to beat the crap outta you.