As those of you who follow the goings on of the important art world might know, I have a nude painting of my wife in one of my homes between a Picasso and a Rembrandt. It's my new favorite painting, at least until I buy another Van Gogh.

This is a more modest art project that I've added to my priceless collection. I've tried other things to help celebrate myself and my family that didn't quite work out. I had a sculptor ready to replace the heads of the Pietà with those of mine and my mother. It would have been the best Mother's Day gift ever, but the Catholic Church and the Italian government gave me some sob story about "national artistic treasure."

To honor my contribution of $100 million to the Schwarzman Library (formerly the New York Public Library), a modest celebratory dinner was held for me.

It was an excellent evening worthy of all things Blackstone. Fresh lobster was served from a bowl of butter balanced on Gary Coleman’s head. I ate my favorite fresh crab claw sandwiches off of a naked Natalie Portman (she had a lot of overdue books). The Eagles played an exclusive concert from me, and my wife got to use Joe Walsh as a footrest during dinner.

Jealous library patrons and thrifty donors have apparently been complaining about the wise decision of the library formerly known as the New York Public Library to rename itself The Schwarzman Library. According to some in the press, the old donors, who are WASPS, don’t like the fact that their library is now named for a person of Jewish decent.

Honestly, I don’t think these old Protestant farts hate me because I’m Jewish. After all, I’m not successful because I’m Jewish. I’m successful because I like having more money than everyone else around me. And nothing makes me happier than when I get to rub other people’s noses in my enormous wealth.

The media spared no effort to publicize Blackstone’s “losses” in the first quarter of 2008. By now you’ve all seen the numbers and heard all kinds of crazy criticisms. Was our report too slick? Were we trying to mimic the film ‘Reservoir Dogs’ in our partner photo? No! Of course not! The Blackstone Group would never fumble a diamond heist that badly, or hide out in a seedy warehouse. [And another thing: Spoiler alert: all the main characters in Reservoir Dogs get killed].

All this silly nonsense misses the entire point of private equity investing: losses now mean even greater wealth later! So from any sophisticated investors point of view, a first-quarter loss only means you’re going to make that much more money later. That’s what they call the “J curve” and our J curve means Justification and Just Wait and See.

Recently it was reported that I made some “controversial” comments about Nagasaki, Japan. I compared subprime lenders to noodle salesman left with few noodles or customers after the atomic bomb.

Firstly, not to indulge in stereotypes, but I think the Japanese are too good at business to be offended by this. Secondly, my analogy was spot on. Subprime lenders are in the business of lending money they can no longer access to poor slobs who never had the means to pay it back in the first place. That would indeed be like setting up shop in a desolate, radioactive city, so Nagasaki after the bomb dropped was perfect. Is Hiroshima offended I didn’t mention them and they were bombed first? Take it up with Harry Truman.

When I was in the fourth grade, my class went on a field trip to see the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall. I had a choice seat on the bus to downtown Philadelphia, right next to Kiernan Conroy, the cutest redhead in all of Abington.

Just as I was about to impress her with my intellect and suaveness, my mother arrived with my box lunch, which I had forgotten to bring with me that morning. I had to go to the front of the bus to get my lunch (and take a brief scolding from my mother), and when I returned to my seat, who but the detestable Jason Howard was in my seat.

“That’s my seat,” I told him.

“Is your name on it?” he asked, knowing full well that my name had not yet been engraved on the seat.

Can you believe that a group of investors has the audacity to sue The Blackstone Group? Yes, it’s true. I’m not making that up.

Perhaps the plaintiff, Landmen Partners, is suffering from some kind of envy. After all, I don’t remember anyone from that outfit being profiled in The New Yorker.

The lawsuit says we did something wrong in not disclosing a lot of important information about our investments, particularly about Financial Guaranty Insurance. Because of that and other investments -- like Freescale Semiconductor -- we’ve been hit hard with some earnings losses (89% to be exact).

But so what? Of course we don’t disclose important information. This is PRIVATE equity. That means we keep important information private, duh!

Are you familiar with 'Antiques Roadshow?' It's a program where people bring their old junk and collectibles to experts, who tell them what their items are worth. Something like that is just what our souring American economy needs. There are lots of assets out there, most of them sitting there and not attracting hungry investors. The buyout world is full of hungry investors with big funds and the need to put that cash to work. Let's make a deal.

Here at The Blackstone Group, we've got money to spend on buying things, and we'd rather invest it then give it back to our limited partners, because that means we have to give back management fees too, and that wouldn't be good for the U.S. economy.

So let's see your assets! If you have a company, or some real estate assets, or even a big chunk of debt that we foisted onto your balance sheet to help push through one of our own buyouts, you may have already won a Blackstone investment!

By now many of you have heard the news that Blackstone has postponed the first closing of its latest fund. Don't get worried, Blackstone VI will still be the biggest and the best of any private equity fund out there.

The reason we're late in having a first close is because some of the colleges we had been banking on have been slow to join our family of excellent and elite limited partners. Many of us here at Blackstone were hoping that The University of Tennessee would be able to make it to the next round of private equity investment, but sadly it was not to be, at least not for this fund. Others were betting on The University of Texas to bring us more money for our fund through its efforts, but that was not to be as well.