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Stephen Schwarzman’s Blog

Nothing is more patriotic than buying LBO debt

By Stephen Schwarzman

Bio & Blog

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At this time of the sixth anniversary of the September 11 attacks, many Americans are asking how they can best serve their country. Some have opted for military service; others have joined the fire fighters or police. But I know a way that everyone can be involved: buying leveraged buyout debt.

Right now I and my LBO brethren are in a tough spot. There’s a lot of debt on the market that people aren’t buying because they’re pussies. We need to get this debt moving so that patriotic companies like Blackstone Group can keep buying and flipping companies like hot cakes at the IHOP (not that I’ve ever been to an IHOP, but you get the idea). This will help the economy which will help the government fight terrorism.

Those of you who have pensions or 401ks should demand that your fund managers begin buying up large quantities of leveraged buyout debt. There’s a lot of it out there. We’ve got to get $330 billion of this stuff cleared out of the way or we’re going to hit a recession so hard that Grandma and Grandpa will be applying for Chinese citizenship if they want to eat.

I can hear the objections now: Aren’t these investments risky? Should I have balance in my retirement portfolio? Blah, blah, blah. Look: I know about risk. When Richard Branson bet me $7 million that I wouldn’t eat caviar out of a passed-out Lindsay Lohan’s butt crack, I knew opportunity (and quality caviar) when I saw it. Without risk, there is no reward. And believe me, eating food off a drug-addled starlet is its own reward — even without Richard Branson’s money.

So get our there and serve your country by spending whatever you can to buy the leveraged loans and high yield bonds that will get our LBO machine churning again. Do it for America.

9/11/2007 6:33 PM, New York
4 comments

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Comments

phil:

:-)

9/11/2007 7:39 PM

laughgroper:

Sorry, but that was kind of a yawn. The best part of the post was Alex's comment.

9/16/2007 12:10 PM

Alex:

(and quality caviar)

roflmao

9/11/2007 10:58 PM

Allen:

You are right but it become more riskier to Invest in patriotic industries,it is right United states Economy has gone down as high it was,people want to invest their money in that Industry which could give them more return.
__________________________________________________________________
Allen
http://www.mydebtconsolidation.name

7/19/2008 12:21 AM