At this time of the sixth anniversary of the September 11 attacks, many Americans are asking how they can best serve their country. Some have opted for military service; others have joined the fire fighters or police. But I know a way that everyone can be involved: buying leveraged buyout debt.
Right now I and my LBO brethren are in a tough spot. There’s a lot of debt on the market that people aren’t buying because they’re pussies. We need to get this debt moving so that patriotic companies like Blackstone Group can keep buying and flipping companies like hot cakes at the IHOP (not that I’ve ever been to an IHOP, but you get the idea). This will help the economy which will help the government fight terrorism.
Those of you who have pensions or 401ks should demand that your fund managers begin buying up large quantities of leveraged buyout debt. There’s a lot of it out there. We’ve got to get $330 billion of this stuff cleared out of the way or we’re going to hit a recession so hard that Grandma and Grandpa will be applying for Chinese citizenship if they want to eat.
I can hear the objections now: Aren’t these investments risky? Should I have balance in my retirement portfolio? Blah, blah, blah. Look: I know about risk. When Richard Branson bet me $7 million that I wouldn’t eat caviar out of a passed-out Lindsay Lohan’s butt crack, I knew opportunity (and quality caviar) when I saw it. Without risk, there is no reward. And believe me, eating food off a drug-addled starlet is its own reward — even without Richard Branson’s money.
So get our there and serve your country by spending whatever you can to buy the leveraged loans and high yield bonds that will get our LBO machine churning again. Do it for America.