That’s right, G-d’s Gift To Capitalism is ready to raise another fund for The Blackstone Group.

Sure there’s speculation that Blackstone Capital Partners VI will be smaller than fund V — credit markets have hit the skids and many of my fellow buyout executives are being big pussies about everything — but this is the time to buy bigger and better.

Blackstone VI might buy the National Football League and the National Hockey League and combine football and hockey into one sport called Footkey – it would be played on ice with a football and no-holds-barred tackling, kicking and sticking. Then we might change it for a week and call it Hockball and play with a puck on a football field. Face it: with enough money, you can do anything, and at Blackstone we plan to do it all.

I’m also thinking about telling our limited partners that I’ll have a clause in our investment agreement that insures that our latest fund is always the biggest. If KKR or any of those other wannabes raises a fund bigger than Blackstone VI, then my LPs will have to kick in to top it.

This is America and bigger is better all of the time. And you can ask the team of Polynesian virgins who bath me with sponges every morning and after racquetball every other Sunday: I’m the biggest they’ve ever seen.