Associated Press

The Catholic Church’s recognition of my very generous $5 million gift included a nice tour of one of their schools in The Bronx. This was my first time being in The Bronx since the time I donated $4 million to the Bronx Zoo for the right to hunt down one of their Siberian tigers.

I visited Sacred Heart School with Cardinal Edward Eagan and the Missus last week, where they have uniforms almost as stylish as the ones my waiters wear. However, the kids and teachers there had properly-soled shoes, no unnatural squeaking on the tile floors. That’s how you have to run something: with an iron fist that only rock solid organizations like the Catholic Church or The Blackstone Group can deliver.

Associated Press

The cafeteria didn’t have any fresh crab claws or lobster bisque, but only fish sticks. I thought that my money would go far enough to get some quality food for those kids, but I guess they would rather spend the money on books or other non-delicious items.

For some reason, the Cardinal declined to take my donation to the school in the form of Blackstone Group stock. That’s no matter. I’m sure the Catholic Church has many old and arcane rules about their donations; they’ve been around since before there was a stock market and since they only forgave Galileo in 1992, I can see that they might be a little behind the times.

All in all, it was a very good idea, which I recommend to you all. If you have yet to donate $5 million to a charity of your choice, do it.