Jealous library patrons and thrifty donors have apparently been complaining about the wise decision of the library formerly known as the New York Public Library to rename itself The Schwarzman Library. According to some in the press, the old donors, who are WASPS, don’t like the fact that their library is now named for a person of Jewish decent.

Honestly, I don’t think these old Protestant farts hate me because I’m Jewish. After all, I’m not successful because I’m Jewish. I’m successful because I like having more money than everyone else around me. And nothing makes me happier than when I get to rub other people’s noses in my enormous wealth.

Don’t like my name on the library? Donate $350 million or more to engrave your own name there instead. If you don’t have at least $200 million to give to the New York Public Library—excuse me, The Schwarzman Library—you’re not rich enough to complain.

Besides, everyone who donates at the $100 million level or above gets to visit the VIP reading room, tapas bar and smoking lounge. The tapas bar has fresh crab claw shipped there daily; it’s a perfect place for a casual business lunch.