As those of you who follow the goings on of the important art world might know, I have a nude painting of my wife in one of my homes between a Picasso and a Rembrandt. It's my new favorite painting, at least until I buy another Van Gogh.

This is a more modest art project that I've added to my priceless collection. I've tried other things to help celebrate myself and my family that didn't quite work out. I had a sculptor ready to replace the heads of the Pietà with those of mine and my mother. It would have been the best Mother's Day gift ever, but the Catholic Church and the Italian government gave me some sob story about "national artistic treasure."

Keith Herring's 'Crack Is Wack' mural was supposed to read 'Henry Kravis Sucks Balls' but Haring got all socially conscious on me.
Some self appointed art critics might say that what I'm doing violates the purpose of art. That's balderdash! Art is a business like any other.

Do you think starving artists want to starve? No way, they're waiting for someone like me to come along and commission a great work of art. And what could be a greater work of art than a naked woman that is involved with me?

Of course, lowly Philistines will call this latest commissioning an act of egotism, and all I can say is: a nude sketch of my wife costs $224,000 (€144,000). How valuable is the present the first lady of Iceland brought you on your birthday? She didn't get you anything? You must not be as important as me.