What if I told you that terrorists were ruining the economy and our own government is letting them? No, this is no wacky ‘Loose Change’ type conspiracy theory, but exactly what is going on with FAS 157.

What is FAS 157, you ask? It’s a bunch of accounting rules that say that banks and other financial institutions have to account for their assets according to what they’re actually worth. That’s ridiculous. If I have a piece of dreck company worth only $4 billion why should I have to put it on my books as $4 billion? I know that at some point I’ll be able to sell it to Leon Black or some other sucker for $12 billion.

The FAS stands for the Financial Accounting Standards Board. They are among the most useless people on the planet and they are standing in the way of patriotic American commerce. Imagine the lamest Star Trek-watching nerds hellbent on punishing the successful and cool kids with their nitpicky rules.

I propose another rule standard for valuing a company’s assets that reflects my abilities to sell companies like hot cakes. I call it the SAS 69 rule. That means that an asset should be valued at whatever I think the highest price I could sell it for within the next 69 days. That’s much fairer and a more accurate reflection of the current possibilities when you trust in the genius of The Steve and our army of helpful souls at the Blackstone Group.