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Stephen Schwarzman’s Blog

Paying $11 million to never hear from your father-in-law again is a great deal

By Stephen Schwarzman

Bio & Blog

Recently one of our star European executives was the victim of a strange blackmail scheme. Our man’s father-in-law demanded a total of $11 million in exchange for never contacting him or his wife ever again. Authorities charged the father-in-law and his lawyer with harassment.

Despite its questionable legality, what’s not to like about that deal? I paid $125 million to the Jehovah’s Witnesses to keep them away from my property. I spent $10 million of my own money keeping trick-or-treaters away from my Park Avenue building last year. It was money well spent. Do you know how long it takes me, even using my Segway scooter, to get from my living room to the front door of my penthouse? I lose $4 million worth of my valuable time every time I go to the bathroom.

Nuisances such as in-laws are best kept away, and since it’s against the law to have them killed (at least in the U.S.A.), it’s better business to pay them to keep quiet. We do it all the time in the private equity world. When someone leaves a big private equity firm that sucks, like KKR, they usually get a payment to keep quiet and not bother anyone for a while.

8/26/2008 9:17 AM, New York
6 comments

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Comments

curiosity:

I don't get it.

8/27/2008 12:04 AM

Disturbed by Comment Uno:

Seriously?

8/27/2008 8:10 PM

A Bro Crushin' it says:

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's weak

8/27/2008 8:39 PM

stevie :

a community college level attempt at being witty.

8/28/2008 2:17 AM

Al Sharpton:

daas da kinda adda-tood we can be doin wit out!

8/28/2008 2:19 AM

Eliot Spitzer:

lost $4M going to the head? that's a lotta hoes!

8/28/2008 2:20 AM