Have you ever heard the expression ‘Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth?’ Well, my friends, this big financial meltdown and subsequent government bailout are the best thing to happen to the Blackstone Group since private equity captured the imaginations of thousands and the pension assets of millions.
Only Blackstone Group has the right combination of audacity and expertise to oversee a giant bailout of the financial markets. Has any other firm out there proven itself worthy of getting a check for $700 billion? No way. Only Blackstone, under my cool leadership, can rightfully handle that much money without letting it go to our heads.
First thing we’re going to do is use that money to start a new fund, called Blackstone Bailout I. The fund will have a management fee of 20% and a 40% carried interest. That’s a good deal when you consider the big profits we can make. Up to $100 billion will be put towards a $150 billion supplementary co-investment fund, with the other $50 billion being provided by Blackstone executives, family and friends. Another $100 billion will be used as a modest finder’s fee and some will most likely be invested in Blackstone VI.
We’re joining the big bailout bonanza in every way that we can. We’re already ahead of the game with our contract to advise AIG. They’re a great example of what happens when you don’t invest enough in Blackstone. We are the way, people.
If everyone had followed my advice and put their money in Blackstone stock instead of mumbo-jumbo securitized mortgage products, we wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with. You owe us, America. Make the $700 billion check out to The Blackstone Group. We’ll take care of the rest.