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Stephen Schwarzman’s Blog

This bailout will help the needy like me

By Stephen Schwarzman

Bio & Blog

Have you ever heard the expression ‘Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth?’ Well, my friends, this big financial meltdown and subsequent government bailout are the best thing to happen to the Blackstone Group since private equity captured the imaginations of thousands and the pension assets of millions.

Only Blackstone Group has the right combination of audacity and expertise to oversee a giant bailout of the financial markets. Has any other firm out there proven itself worthy of getting a check for $700 billion? No way. Only Blackstone, under my cool leadership, can rightfully handle that much money without letting it go to our heads.

First thing we’re going to do is use that money to start a new fund, called Blackstone Bailout I. The fund will have a management fee of 20% and a 40% carried interest. That’s a good deal when you consider the big profits we can make. Up to $100 billion will be put towards a $150 billion supplementary co-investment fund, with the other $50 billion being provided by Blackstone executives, family and friends. Another $100 billion will be used as a modest finder’s fee and some will most likely be invested in Blackstone VI.

We’re joining the big bailout bonanza in every way that we can. We’re already ahead of the game with our contract to advise AIG. They’re a great example of what happens when you don’t invest enough in Blackstone. We are the way, people.

If everyone had followed my advice and put their money in Blackstone stock instead of mumbo-jumbo securitized mortgage products, we wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with. You owe us, America. Make the $700 billion check out to The Blackstone Group. We’ll take care of the rest.


9/22/2008 9:09 AM, New York

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I own BX and am still waiting for those fat special dividends. What about the Hilton cash flow?

9/22/2008 10:46 AM

Stephen Schwarzman:

Have patience, my friend. Hilton is currently undergoing a great expansion and needs to maximize its capital holdings. In fact, Conrad Hilton himself is coming over to my Park Ave. pad to re-grout five of its bathrooms with gold.

9/22/2008 1:52 PM


sir, at least you got 3 million saving ,I am facing tomorow with emptey hand . I am a boarn again christian me and my family going through very difficult situation in an arab country DUBAI,last 3months school fees not paid for children no money for pay rent and food plese try to understand my situation God will give deliverence to you also if you willing to do something plase do immedietley God will guid you my phone number is;00971 367 10 10

10/3/2008 11:42 AM

Warren Buffett:

The United States Government is capitalizing on a comprehensional failure of the human mind – the inability to fully grasp the magnitude of large numbers. Upon hearing numbers beyond a few thousand our brains interpret it as, “Wow, that’s a big number!” with no tangible image to relay exactly how big. So, let’s start with a One Dollar Bill. We can understand $1.00, right?

According to the United States treasury, a One Dollar Bill has a thickness of 0.0043 inches. So $1,000 in One Dollar Bills would be one thousand times thicker -- 4.3 inches.

One million is one thousand thousands, so the thickness of $1,000,000 is 4300 inches. Converting to feet and this becomes 358.3 feet, an American football field.

One billion -- $1,000,000,000 is one thousand times thicker still or 358,333.3 feet. This is 67.866 miles, the driving distance from New York City to Milford CT.

One Trillion is one thousand billions – one trillion One Dollar Bills stacked one on top of another is 67,866 miles. This would circumnavigate the globe 2.73 times.

The proposed 700 Billion Dollar bailout alone would be a stack of One Dollar Bills stretching 47,506.2 miles, or 1.90 times around the globe.

A stack of One Dollar Bills totaling the current national debt cap of 10.6 trillion dollars would go around the equator 28.93 times. The proposed cap of 11.3 trillion dollars would go around 30.85 times.

Is creating a debt that is the equivalent of a stack of One Dollar Bills rounding planet 31 times a responsible act?

9/23/2008 9:26 PM

Stephen Schwarzman:

They still make $1 bills? Do they come on a roll? I have a mostly green bathroom downstairs.

10/13/2008 3:08 PM