Where other businesses see mini-black holes as a threat to all life on Earth as we know it, Apple Inc. sees--opportunity!

The Large Hadron Collider has been fired up along the French-Swiss border, and microscopic black holes are already being created around the world.

I've harnessed these powerful matter-sucking orifices to create the latest Apple consumer hit--the iDisposal!

No more wandering around with your Starbucks cup or Poland Springs water bottle looking for a trash can. With the iDisposal, you simply pop your trash past the so-called "event horizon" of your mini-black hole and--voila! Your garbage is vacuumed over to the other side of the universe, leaving the streets of your upscale neighborhood clean.

How about the creatures at the other end of the black hole's giant suction tube, you ask? Not to worry -- black holes turn your trash into thermal energy.

This should silence the critics who are always saying Apple sucks.