As you all know, I'm constantly spreading the word about the fact that the world is going to turn into a smoldering cinder unless we reduce our carbon emissions. Sometimes I feel like no one gets the message, like the other day when Ed threw a glass bottle into the garbage and I had to show him "An Inconvenient Truth" another five times. But I am alone no longer: today I turned on the television to discover--excuse the pun--that the Discovery channel launched a TV network devoted to all things Green.

I assume that they've been busy creating their schedule, and that's why they haven't called asking me to do a show. I mean, they gave a show to Tommy Lee and Ludacris, and they probably think the Kyoto Protocol is an act something only certain Japanese hookers can perform. So I figure it won't be too long before the Green Planet calls me. Until then, I'm working on a script for the pilot episode. Here's what I have so far:

We open with a shot of a empty plain. There should be no signs of life, no sound, and this shot should last for at least five minutes. Then we slowly pan to the left until we come to an antique television set, which turns itself on and shows a clip of a man eating porridge. What kind of porridge? We don't know.

Then it cuts abruptly to the inside of a warehouse. There are a bunch of women wearing 1950s-style outfits lying facedown on the floor. The soundtrack for this scene will consist of atonal, wordless Mongolian throat singing coupled with five violins being detuned. (Jonny can do the music.)

Then another abrupt cut, this time to a shot of me sitting at a table, shirtless. I reach down and pick up a big tub of french onion dip from the floor. We should probably do a close up of the tub to make sure the audience realizes it's not just sour cream. Then I scoop out some of the dip with my hands and slowly rub it all over my bare chest, arms, and neck. A man is sitting behind me wearing a black hood, but you can't see him.

I feel like those sequences emphasize the need for sustainability, man's capacity for inhumanity and cruelty, and the contradictions implicit in presenting any work of "art" to a audience who cannot properly appreciate the work as the artist can. I'm still working out some other scenes. I want to emphasize the need for revolutionary action without coming across as preachy, and I also think it would be nice to have a bit where a piano is thrown off a cliff in slow motion.

If anyone from the green network is reading this, I am open to suggestions, although it HAS to be french onion dip. I'm waiting by the phone.