The Guardian, following the longstanding magazine tradition of making senseless lists for the sheer joy of making senseless lists, recently released its much-anticipated-by-no-one "Media 100," which ranks influential UK media people. To my surprise, I am ranked number 63 on the list, which apparently means I have to take orders from number 62, Roly Keating, but I can tell Lucian Grainge (number 64), to shine my shoes and he has to do it.
I am now, for lack of a better term, a "major player in the industry," and I can do what I like. I'm going to wear sunglasses all the time now.
And that's not all. Here are other changes I'm going to implement:
The following instruments are banned from popular music: the mandolin, the glockenspiel, the accordian, the harpsicord, the slide whistle, and especially the banjo. If this means The Decemberists will have to disband, that's a risk I'm willing to take.
Charismatic lead singers of well known bands cannot champion the fight against global warming: I called dibs on the environment, and Bono has African children pretty well covered. So if Chris Martin or the chap from Wilco want to become politically active, they'll have to find their own causes. Might I suggest campaign finance reform or a law banning particularly heavy women from wearing sundresses?
Punk is dead. Seriously, it's time. I hate to break it to you kids, but your one-chord, two-minute song lambasting the military-industrial complex is not going to change anything.
If it's brown, flush it down. If it's yellow, leave it mellow. Just a good idea in general. If discovered, violators will be shot.
Friday is officially funny hat day. I may come across as a particularly harsh media overlord, but really, I'm a bit of a softie at heart. So on Friday, all members of the music industry can wear a funny hat! Doesn't that sound like a lark? Bjork, of course, can wear a regular hat, since she wears funny hats every day.
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