You know this whole Dr. Drew thing with him saying I have a mental disease? It’s beneath me. Barely made it onto my radar. I’ve never even heard of this guy until now, and I simply don’t have time to worry about this kind of thing.

There are so many more important things to discuss, like… Did you know my cars are all indestructible? Bullet proof, bomb proof, resistant to most forms of extra-terrestrial attack. I’d like to see Dr. Drew try to take me out while I’m driving my armored Corvette, that fascist! Who is he to say that I was neglected as a child? If so many people love me now, doesn’t that prove I’m not someone who could ever be neglected? (Well doesn’t it, Dad??)

Greetings friends. I only have a minute to check in; I’ve been busy working on my other website, Tomcruise.com. Have you had a chance to check it out? I made it for you, my fans! Yea! Yessss!! Alright!

To celebrate the 27 years since I began acting in movies, I’ve been spending hours and hours compiling close up pictures of my face for us to gaze upon. (You’re welcome!) I’m also thinking that, between the grandiose montage of my movies set to “Mission Impossible” music, and the endless glossy head shots of me making dramatic faces and flexing my biceps, there won’t be much left for you internet jokesters to poke fun at, will there?

If you haven’t already, stop by tomcruise.com and let me know what you’re favorite picture is!

Sometimes people think they know what’s best for you, okay? They think they know, but they don’t know, and these types of people… they try to give me their advice all the time. But here’s the thing: I create advice. I am advice. And you can’t give advice to advice; that’s a fact, it’s science.

George Clooney calls me the other night and he says “Tom, you need to learn to laugh at yourself, and I don’t mean that creepy shit you do in front of the mirror.” He thinks I need to show my sense of humor, and he suggested using my News Groper blog to make fun of myself. More advice!

Dear Victoria,

Katie has subconsciously insinuated that she would like me to terminate your friendship on her behalf. Now, understand that I think you’re great! If it were up to me, you and Katie would be going out and splitting baby portions of seaweed juice and frozen grape shavings to your hearts content.

Nevertheless, Katie has decided that this has become an unhealthy relationship, that you are diluting her beingness and that you may in fact be a Potential Trouble Source. Of course, if you ask her Katie won’t admit to having said any of this – she might even make one of her jokes about how “she’s terrified of me” and that I’m “always putting words in her mouth” and so on, hahaha! Hahahahahaaaaaa!!

Every now and then, in the middle of the night when I have the chance to practice my levitating (I think I’ve almost got it), I can hear Katie talking in her sleep. When Katie talks in her sleep, she says the opposite of what she means – like she’ll say she hates my “gay English schoolboy haircut,” when in reality she understands that my hairstyle makes me look young and cutting edge, like a singer in a cool indie rock band.

Sometimes Katie will even sleep-talk about my career, saying the opposite of what she thinks about whatever project I’m working on. Last night after it was announced that the release of  my new film Valkyrie will be delayed, for example, she was sleep-wishing that the release date be pushed back forever – which I know means she can’t wait for the premiere!