Associated Press

Sometimes you have to bet against the odds. I’m fed up with this crap about “renewable power” and “green tech.” If I read one more announcement about a new solar technology company, I think I’m going to throw up in my mouth. I didn’t make my fortune following the crowd like some mindless sheep funding business plans that contain buzz words. Ol’ Tommy P. is coming outta retirement to prove a point and this time I’m stepping up to bat as the CEO. I just founded a company that’s just coming out of stealth mode today and it’s going to totally buck conventional wisdom.

It’s called Carbon Debits, Inc. That’s right, you pay us to burn coal and raw garbage to offset the efforts of smug hippies and Democrats like Al Gore and Vinod Khosla promoting carbon credits and electric cars. For every electric car they put on the road that costs them $25,000 to manufacture with 2% gross margins, I can burn 100 acres of rain forest in Brazil or India for $4.00 at a 10,000% gross margin. Now, THAT’S a goddam business model.

Who in God’s name would buy carbon debits and bet against the environment? It’s a mix of hedge funds looking to hedge their exposure to carbon credits, Dick Cheney, and the Iranians. I never thought I’d see Cheney and the Iranians on the same end of a business transaction, but there they were on day one each purchasing over $200 million in carbon debits. That right there is enough profit for my company to go public by year’s end.

You have to understand—I’ve been in the VC business a long time—long enough that my presence as an investor in a company can actually make or break the its success. I could invest in a business selling cow manure online and I could sell it to Google for $2.0 billion and Eric Schmidt would tell me our shit didn’t stink. You mark my words, within twelve months I’ll sell this baby to some schmucks like Microsoft, Google, eBay or the idiots at GreenPeace. Seriously, I could sell this idea to GreenPeace and they’d love me for it. Screw it. I’ll burn live humpback whales to create carbon dioxide from whale blubber and they’d still love it. You know…that gives me an idea for another business plan: It’s like YouTube meets Facebook buts it’s entirely dedicated to cruelty to animals and I’ll line up PETA as a strategic investor. Now’s that’s thinking outside the box.