Hello. It’s me. Tyra Banks. Perhaps you recognize me from my international career as a Supermodel? Or maybe you’ve seen me on one of my national TV shows: Whether I’ve been grooming young women of all different races, religions and beliefs to become the Next Best Thing to a Model—or keepin’ it real in y’alls living rooms as I display to you how proud I am of my body! And how proud I am to be a woman! And how … proud I am! As many of you may know, Paris Hilton is now serving a one-month sentence for violating her parole on a DWI charge. I want to help Paris in this very tribulating time. I want to say to her, “Girl—what were you thinking?!” I want to shake her and shake her so hard! But most of all I want to say to her. “Damn Paris, that’s a pretty good mugshot. I thought it was real nice of your aunt to offer you advice on surviving life in the can. You guys don’t look a thing alike! (PHEW! Thank God, right?!) Don’t say mean stuff about your aunt though—like, for instance, that she looks strung-out from snorting glass shards and eating roadkill for breakfast—because, you never know, maybe there’s a magical person inside of her.

You may be a delinquent celebrity and a real tool Paris, and my mama raised me better than yours raised you, but you carry yourself with poise and panache Paris. You got style girl! Hold your head high girl!