Maybe you heard, Russia just told the US to stick it.

No, I didn't crush one of their ambassadors with a KGB head clap or launch a judo attack on one of their allies. I didn't even need to take my shirt off to send this message out to the world. I'm simply going to send a Russian ship up the Panama Canal sending a strong signal to America. A very powerful signal.

Imagine, if you will, that the Panama Canal is America's rectum. And Russia just sailed a ship right up it! Oh yeah!

Or if the Panama Canal was America's throat, then Russia just crammed our fist down it!

Or If the Panama Canal was America's nose, or more accurately, one of it's nostrils, well then Russia slammed our finger deep inside it.

My blog friends,

Russia was in talks with Google to let them purchase one of our Russian telemedia companies. This would have let Google operate within our superpower country.

Things were going well at first, but then I found out some information, and I had to kill that deal. I didn’t just kill it. I executed it, KGB style. (minus the raping part)

It wasn’t because I didn’t want an Ameican company taking over the Russian market, as has been reported. No I would have let Google take over the market share.  

I demanded a share of the profits. After all, I deserve it. I recently learned that everyday there are billions of people searching for my name. They are looking to see what a powerful, sexy world leader like me is up to. These are consistently in the top five buzz searches each and every day:

My comrades,

I’ve just made a deadly martial arts video that will teach anyone how to become an incredible judo warrior:

Filming this was no easy task. The first time through, I accidentally killed several of my sparring partners and the video failed to pass the ratings system.  In the final version of my judo video, I must admit that I did perform a KGB hand clap that exploded a heavyweight’s head. Thankfully, the editor was able to cut out that from the video. If you look closely though, you will notice near the twenty-minute mark that there is brain matter on the wall.

Most of the footage is full of hardcore judo moves with my special KGB twist added to them. There are some DVD extras.

You may have heard last week that I brought down a rampaging, blood thirsty tiger using a tranquilizer gun. I saved a team of scientists and Russian television crew in the process. This is all true. It was instinct and nothing more.

I did want to clear up the circumstances of this event though. I was on an expedition to study tigers and see if the cartoon I had recently seen called Thundercats could ever become reality. Well, just as I was telling a scientist about my plans to engineer a human/tiger panther hybrid, a tiger attacks.

I actually went for my KGB laser gun. I had planned to shoot a hole through the tiger or disintegrate the animal completely. Instead I mistakenly picked up a mere tranquilizer weapon.  I walked over to the animal and got my tools ready to skin the cat and to dress the meat when a scientist said, "He's not dead. You've merely tranquilized him, Sir Putin."

The other day, you may have been shocked to hear my brilliant theory on how the United States had pursued relations with Georgia and encouraged them to invade South Ossetia in order to get us to invade them, adding fodder to the campaign of one presidential candidate (I’m not naming names, but his name rhymes with Lon McBlane). Today, I put out my second great hypothesis. 

Pinkberry and Red Mango are in fact the same company.

You’re shocked, right? Good. You should be shocked. You shouldn’t let the wool of capitalism shroud your eyes. Not that I don’t like capitalism. Capitalism is awesome. Did I mention that Russia’s not the Soviet Union anymore? We’re totally capitalists.  And not interested in reconquering all our former satellite countries. But let’s move onto the more important matter, my yogurt proof:

Fact 1 – plain Pinkberry and plain Red Mango taste exactly the same. This is so true it’s just made you wet your bed, even if you’re not currently sleeping in it. I defy you to do a blind taste test of the two and tell me which is which.

Fact 2 – They have roughly the same toppings, and the same topping structure.  What, do you think that they’re just both buying the same incredibly thinly chopped almonds in the hopes that the other won’t notice?  Of course not. 

Two things make me Vladimir Putin, the undisputed King of Russia, angry these days.

Number 1:
The US instigated the whole Georgia crisis. They pushed Georgia into war in order to influence the US elections. I like making conspiracy theories and then not backing them up with any facts. For example: Nastia Lukin (US gymnastic all around gold medal winner) is a cyborg; Alien v. Predator was actually a documentary but sold to the public as a fictional film to avoid public fear; And John F. Kennedy actually committed suicide. 

A lot has been made about me calling the shots instead of the man who is actually Russia's president. Well the truth is Medvedev just found out about the war a short while ago. I didn't want to interrupt his finger painting session. He had traced his hand with paint and was trying to tell me it was some sort of turkey. I wasn't buying it. I ripped up his painting, informed him about the war, and then he started crying.

He was scared, but I calmed him down by promising him a vanilla shake. He did manage to make a good speech to the media on the crisis in Georgia.  I am glad he is improving on his speech making capabilities. I just wish there was some way to cover up his drooling problem.

Now the US has demanded that we withdraw our troops from Georgia. Yes! We will do that immediately! As soon as possible. Today, in fact. Wait a second. I can't withdraw today because I am scheduled to make an appearance at an seminar entitled: "Androids: Are They Living Among Us?"  I am a guest speaker. 

So I hear Darren Aronofsky has been recruited to direct the next robocop sequel. I had wanted to film that movie myself actually. What cred does Aronofsky have? His previous films Pie, Requiem for a Dream and the Fountain don't have a single cybernetic organism in the entire films. He won't be able to handle the material with the respect it deserves.

I have written an open letter to this filmmaker, reprinted below for my blog fans. (NOTE: In it I write that I'm a big fan of his previous films. This is a lie, but I know this is a great way to open someone up to listen to what you have to say.)

Dear Aromofsky,

Hi. It's me Vladimir Putin, ruler of Russia. How is everything going? Okay. I am a BIG fan of your previous films. I recently learned that you are going to direct the next Robocop. I am a huge fan of Robocop. I thought I'd give you a heads up on what I expect to happen in this newest installment:

* Robocop will fight Terminator. Give the fans what they want and settle the age old question: who would win in a fight? Also maybe throw this guy into the mix to make the scene a battle royale.

* Robocop's visor is a data system that analyzes his foreground. The Terminator has this capability as well. Maybe when they fight, we cut these scenes out since they are boring and most fans already know they have this level of analysis. Just show the extreme fight moves they perform on one another.