I’ve just learned that the US missile shield will effectively be able to neutralize any Russian nuclear attack by the year 2012. We won’t be able to shoot one single nuclear bomb at the US. Come on guys! That’s not really fair.

You'll be able to blow us up, but we won't be able to blow you up. The whole cool relationship between the US and Russia has been that we were both capable of blowing each other up at any given moment. Without that, we really don’t have that special bond.

I called President Bush and told him that we needed to talk about this. He answered the phone, ignored the subject I had brought up and said, “You know Vlad, they might elect a blackie to be president after me.”

Many are talking of the recent censorship of political humor in Russia. I don’t really think it’s that big a deal. I actually love comedy. Come on guys, after all, I put this guy in charge…

Hilarious! I mean people are actually meeting with him and listening to what he has to say. I giggle whenever I think about it.

All the world has been complaining that the new Indiana Jones film depicts Russians as evil, stereotypical communists. There is even talk of banning the film within Russia. I’m not for banning films. After all we live in a democracy here in Russia. It's better to let whoever want to see the film see it. We can then get their names and addresses, and bring them up on charges of treason later. As an alternative solution, I thought I’d take a stab at penning another, significantly better script than the one the studio put out. I hope you enjoy!

Int. Russian Military Base – day Strong, powerful, awesome Russian man with distinguished posture, powerful KGB hips and strapping judo figure stands at the front of a sniveling man in hat with whip at his side.

Powerful/Awesome Russian:

So you are the famous Indiana Jones?

Indiana Jones:

America you torment me. One minute I think I may finally love you, and the next minute I hate you from the bottom of my Russian heart. You created Iron Man. He is so awesome. Flying around in metal. Shooting rockets from out of his head.  Yet you did not elect David Archuletta your next American Idol. Why? How?

I love Archuletta because he is a youth of the old Soviet mold. When we found a child had a gift for gymnastics, we let her do nothing but gymnastics until she won a Gold medal in the Olympics. When we found a child who was gifted at tennis, there was nothing but tennis for that child from then on until he won Wimbledon. If we found a kid who was good at firing a rifle, we would have him fire nothing but rifles and then send him to America and have him assassinate John F. Kennedy.

My friends, I think this is the most incredible news story I have ever read. Caution: As you read this, you may obtain an erection. I certainly did.

Yves Rossy, a man in Switzerland, has designed a hang-glider rocket that shoots him through the sky.  He has essentially become a flying demon wreaking havoc from the air.

On a recent display, Rossy tipped his wings flipped onto his back and leveled out again, executing a perfect 360-degree roll. After executing that awesome maneuver, he told the press, “That was to impress the girls.” He impressed the girls and also this Putin.  (Again, I am implying that I had an erection.)   

I am inviting Yves Rossy to Russia where we will meet in the presidential office to discuss this new technology. I will send Medvedev out to the lobby, and he can color until our business is complete. (Medvedev always asks me if he can hang his drawings on the wall near the desk. I say yes, but when he puts them up I grab them and rip them in half. I do it because I find the sad look in his eyes so amusing.)

People are begging me to stay on as President of Russia. "Please Sir Putin, do not give up leadership of this country. You are perfect." I must confess to them and to you blog readers that I am not perfect. I am very close, but not completely without defect. I have been trying to have scientists alienate the few remaining chromosomes of my body that are imperfect. In a few months, with any lucky, I will have a super steel enforced exoskeleton and be able to shoot dinosaurs out of my wrists. I know it sounds a little wild, but when I was a kid I always imagined I was a superhero that could shoot dinosaurs out of my wrists. Imagine being able to project velocaraptors at enemies. It would be an awesome mutant ability.  

Anyway, the truth is I am indeed giving up the throne of the President on May 7th. I honestly can't remember the name of the fellow who is supposed to take over control. I think his name is "Medievel" or something. I remember looking through a big book of government official names and picking his because I always used to say that to people before I tortured them with my laser beams: "I'm going to get medieval on you now."

You may remember a few weeks back when I blogged about my relationship with 24-year-old gymnastics superstar Alina Kabaeva. When a tabloid journalist asked me about my relationship with her last week, I brushed it off. You have to expect that sort of thing when you're in the public eye. No hard feelings. I just shut his newspaper down and imprisoned him, his family, his friends and some guy who sells him his sandwiches at lunch time.

Now, Kate Clinton posts a note about me in her column for Huffington Post. I'm sorry Kate, but didn't you learn anything? You may be in America where there is freedom of speech, but in Russia we have a greater freedom. We have the freedom to trample on other people's rights. By we, I of course mean me, Vladimir Putin.Unfortunately Kate Clinton did not learn from the foolish reporter's mistake. So I have decided to shut down The Huffington Post. Arianna Huffington is probably going to call me weeping.

Wesley Snipes. I have seen your movies, and I have heard of your recent battle with the American government over taxation. Please know that I am on your side. I am willing to give you asylum here in Russia. You will not have to go to jail afterall. All that I ask is that you pledge absolute allegiance to my administration and become one of my personal body guards.

Before we seal the deal and make you a Russian national, I’ll just have to ask a sensitive question. Are you part vampire? Please I need you to be honest. I’ve seen the Blade movies. No judgment. I just want to know if you are a vampire and if so, will you use your super vampire powers to aid Russia or destroy it? No pressure. Just think about it and answer honestly. I know the thirst for blood can overpower national allegiance so I just want to know what I'm getting myself into here.