Associated Press

I used to laugh at how the silly Americans are so fascinated by Harry Potter. They embrace the new films and the new books like drooling puppies greeting their master’s return. I figured Harry Potter had nothing to offer a powerful Russian man such as myself. I recently read one of the books though, and I realized Harry Potter is more like a KGB operative than I ever knew.

• Harry Potter likes to fly on broom.
  I did that in the ’80s on a secret KGB mission in Afghanistan.
• Harry has an invisible cloak he wears to avoid detection.
  I wore one of those in 1984 to enter the cave of a Chechen rebel leader and scalp him.
• Harry Potter is always battling evil forces.
  I fought in Cold War against America.

It seems I am very much like this Harry Potter. One difference: In all the stories Harry finds a mystery, then he gathers clues that lead him toward the villain and to uncovering a fiendish plot.

Instead of that whole process, I just immediately crush any opposing force standing in my way using palm strikes. Then I figure out what the evil plan was by piecing together tears, rubble, limbs, etc.