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Ask me who I hate most in the world right now. The answer is Garry Kasparov. Yes, you remember the name. He was a famous Russian chess player who was defeated by an IBM created computer named Deep Blue in 1997 bringing great shame to Russia.

Many of my countrymen forgave Kasparov. They said, “Oh that computer was so powerful. He was lucky to even compete as well as he did.”

No. No. No! He disgraced Russia. I haven’t the faintest idea how to play chess. As a young man of 15 years, I was about to learn the rules of the game when a flock of twelve beautiful women swooped me from my cousin’s house and brought me to a field where they systematically had intercourse with me in hopes of being impregnated with my seed. (All became pregnant instantly, many with twins and triplets.) I never had the chance to live the life of nerdy isolation Kasparov lived. Yet, if you put me in a room with Deep Blue and told me Russia’s honor depended on me beating the computer, I would rape the computer into submission!

I followed Kasparov around for months after his loss taunting him. I didn’t do anything terrible. I just screamed things at him. I left a few nasty notes on his car windshield. I abducted his sister and his dog for several months.

Recently Kasparov decided to pay me back. He is a member of the opposition party, and apparently, he thinks protesting my presidency is a good idea.

It is obvious that Garry Kasparov is a virgin. I grabbed hold of his crotch before we put him in containment, and I felt the innocence there. He spent his adult years playing with chess pieces as a young girl would play with her baby dolls. Now he must face a nemesis much more cold and calculating than any super computer.

Kasparov must face me, Vladimir Putin, in the ultimate chess match with life or death at stake. Obviously when I say “chess match” I mean a fist fight since I still to this day haven’t the vaguest concept of what chess is or how it is played.