Wesley Snipes. I have seen your movies, and I have heard of your recent battle with the American government over taxation. Please know that I am on your side. I am willing to give you asylum here in Russia. You will not have to go to jail afterall. All that I ask is that you pledge absolute allegiance to my administration and become one of my personal body guards.

Before we seal the deal and make you a Russian national, I’ll just have to ask a sensitive question. Are you part vampire? Please I need you to be honest. I’ve seen the Blade movies. No judgment. I just want to know if you are a vampire and if so, will you use your super vampire powers to aid Russia or destroy it? No pressure. Just think about it and answer honestly. I know the thirst for blood can overpower national allegiance so I just want to know what I'm getting myself into here. 

Also, one last thing that has been weighing on my mind.  I am just wondering why you didn’t say something cool in court. Like when the judge sentenced you to three years in prison, you should have said something like, “Always bet on black,” and then kicked the judge in the face. Or tossed your sunglasses in the air and kicked them viciously at the prosecutor’s neck. Or tell the bailiff, “Sit your five dollar ass down before I make change” and then destroyed the place, set it on fire, and escaped on a helicopter flown by Woody Harrelson.

Regardless, I look forward to having you on my team. 

- Putin Out!