All the world has been complaining that the new Indiana Jones film depicts Russians as evil, stereotypical communists. There is even talk of banning the film within Russia. I’m not for banning films. After all we live in a democracy here in Russia. It's better to let whoever want to see the film see it. We can then get their names and addresses, and bring them up on charges of treason later. As an alternative solution, I thought I’d take a stab at penning another, significantly better script than the one the studio put out. I hope you enjoy!

Int. Russian Military Base – day Strong, powerful, awesome Russian man with distinguished posture, powerful KGB hips and strapping judo figure stands at the front of a sniveling man in hat with whip at his side.

Powerful/Awesome Russian:

So you are the famous Indiana Jones?

Indiana Jones:

De…de….depends. Wh…wh…wh…what do you want with me?

Powerful/Awesome Russian:

Quit your crying Jones. Answer the question.

Indiana Jones:

I’m scared.

Powerful/Awesome Russian:

You should be. You’ve finally challenged the wrong enemy…the Russians!

Indiana Jones:

Awwww!

Indiana Jones evacuates his bowels all over himself.

Powerful Awesome Russian:

You disgust me.

Indiana Jones:

I disgust myself with my capitalist ways. Do you know how much a crystal skull will fetch me back in the states?

Suddenly, there is a knock at door. Henchman enters.

Henchman:

Dear awesome leader, it is time for your daily speech to our army of cyborg soldiers. You know, the speech you give where you don’t wear a shirt and you threaten other countries?

Indiana Jones:

You can go give the speech. I won’t go anywhere. I promise, I’ll be right here when you get back. I’ve soiled myself. I’m too embarrassed to go anywhere. You’ve clearly defeated me and by doing so symbolically defeated America.

Indiana Jones combusts. His insides scatter all over the walls and floor and ceiling. His hat is left spinning on the ground for several seconds, smoking.

Henchman:

Wow!

Powerful Awesome Russian:

Super telekinetic abilities. Remember that I have them?

End of scene

-- Putin Out!