Here's how it happened: Medvedev and I were having some fun in the military room -- throwing each other into things -- when I accidentally smashed his face into the missile control panel. I continued smashing Dmitry's face about six times before I realized his nose kept hitting the war plane activation button. Long story short, we just bombed Georgia.

 

Now Georgia is crying to the the world. "Help us! Help us! Russian aircrafts bombed us!" Their nose is running like a tiny baby's. They have pooped their diaper out of shock. They turn to suckle upon their mother's breast, instead they only find my razor sharp nipples.

 

All the world leaders are too involved in watching the women's gymnastics to listen to your country's pathetic cries. (Shout out to my Russian ladies on the balance beam! If you do not win gold, do not come home!)

 

When the news reports that hundreds of Georgians are dead, you have to remember that there are over 5 million people in The Republic of Georgia. So that is statistically very little casualties. Obviously I believe every life counts.* I'm just saying that things could have been worse.

 

Think about how much more terrible things could have been had I sent Terminators to their country instead of war planes. Georgians would have had to listen to one-liners before they were gunned down.

 

I want this war to end as much as anyone. I hope soon we can put an end to this aggression. All that I ask is that Georgia surrender unconditionally, declare me the ruler of their country, and make child-street fighting legal and televised.

 

- Putin Out!

 

*I do not really believe that human life matters.

 

(Photo Via Flickr by Tomatoskin)