The other day, you may have been shocked to hear my brilliant theory on how the United States had pursued relations with Georgia and encouraged them to invade South Ossetia in order to get us to invade them, adding fodder to the campaign of one presidential candidate (I’m not naming names, but his name rhymes with Lon McBlane). Today, I put out my second great hypothesis. 

Pinkberry and Red Mango are in fact the same company.

You’re shocked, right? Good. You should be shocked. You shouldn’t let the wool of capitalism shroud your eyes. Not that I don’t like capitalism. Capitalism is awesome. Did I mention that Russia’s not the Soviet Union anymore? We’re totally capitalists.  And not interested in reconquering all our former satellite countries. But let’s move onto the more important matter, my yogurt proof:

Fact 1 – plain Pinkberry and plain Red Mango taste exactly the same. This is so true it’s just made you wet your bed, even if you’re not currently sleeping in it. I defy you to do a blind taste test of the two and tell me which is which.

Fact 2 – They have roughly the same toppings, and the same topping structure.  What, do you think that they’re just both buying the same incredibly thinly chopped almonds in the hopes that the other won’t notice?  Of course not. 

Fact 3 – Both had the brilliant notion that if they opened a box of Fruity Pebbles, they could sell those pebbles for between fifty cents and a dollar for a tablespoon. This, by the way, is a truly brilliant notion, worthy of being cataloged in another brilliant proof of conspiracy. How many tablespoons of Fruity Pebbles are in a box anyway? Fifty? One hundred? Two hundred? And how much does that box cost?  At most, five dollars. That profit margin on those Fruity Pebbles is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

Fact 4 – They charge the same amount of money for the same product. They try to trick you by setting up the pricing differently, but still, it boils down to you spending six bucks on cold yogurt with fruit in it. 

Now then, why the secrecy? Because of the Starbucks dilemma. You know how Starbucks overbuilt, so that stores began to cannibalize each other's business? Well Pink Mango learned the lesson. If Pinkberry and Red Mango claim to be different companies, they can build locations right next to each other and not lose business!  They’ll both get their own brand loyalty with people claiming, for example: “Oh, I hate Pinkberry.  Let’s eat some Red Mango.”  It’s marketing genius. And what are they going to do with that money?  Perhaps support John McCain’s plan to invade Russia by getting Russia to invade South Ossetia? 

I leave that to you to figure out.  But I’ll give you a hint. The answer’s yes.