America, you are about to elect a new president for your country. I had previously decided not to influence the election since Russia is already surpassing America in the race for world superpower. But then I read this article. America has two potential candidates for their next president: John McCain and a black guy. The black guy wants Russia included in the G8. McCain thinks Russia should be left out as punishment for rolling back political freedom in our country.

Well, Mr. McCain, I want to state on record that the people of Russia are a free people and do not fear their government. I only wish you were also a Russian citizen so you could experience first hand what it is like to be a free citizen of Russia.

You’ve just lost the thousands of Russian-American citizens’ votes with your remarks. If they vote for you then their families still living in Russia will pay the price as their political freedoms will be as devastated as a piñata beaten by a hyper Mexican kid at his own birthday party.

A millionaire woman in New York named Varsha Sabhnani is going to prison for keeping two Indonesian housekeepers as slaves. Wait a second, I thought America was the land of freedom. So why can’t a powerful American woman be free to enslave two women if that is her choice?

What’s next America? Are you going to say a person can’t lock scientists in a room until they have invented a time travel device? Will you outlaw a man’s right to dabble with radiation experiments on animals to create vicious animal hybrids? Will the USA start demanding that a person disband his army of babies that he is training to become assassins? If so, then I guess I would be “breaking the law” in the U.S.

I’ve just learned that the US missile shield will effectively be able to neutralize any Russian nuclear attack by the year 2012. We won’t be able to shoot one single nuclear bomb at the US. Come on guys! That’s not really fair.

You'll be able to blow us up, but we won't be able to blow you up. The whole cool relationship between the US and Russia has been that we were both capable of blowing each other up at any given moment. Without that, we really don’t have that special bond.

I called President Bush and told him that we needed to talk about this. He answered the phone, ignored the subject I had brought up and said, “You know Vlad, they might elect a blackie to be president after me.”

Many are talking of the recent censorship of political humor in Russia. I don’t really think it’s that big a deal. I actually love comedy. Come on guys, after all, I put this guy in charge…

Hilarious! I mean people are actually meeting with him and listening to what he has to say. I giggle whenever I think about it.

All the world has been complaining that the new Indiana Jones film depicts Russians as evil, stereotypical communists. There is even talk of banning the film within Russia. I’m not for banning films. After all we live in a democracy here in Russia. It's better to let whoever want to see the film see it. We can then get their names and addresses, and bring them up on charges of treason later. As an alternative solution, I thought I’d take a stab at penning another, significantly better script than the one the studio put out. I hope you enjoy!

Int. Russian Military Base – day Strong, powerful, awesome Russian man with distinguished posture, powerful KGB hips and strapping judo figure stands at the front of a sniveling man in hat with whip at his side.

Powerful/Awesome Russian:

So you are the famous Indiana Jones?

Indiana Jones:

America you torment me. One minute I think I may finally love you, and the next minute I hate you from the bottom of my Russian heart. You created Iron Man. He is so awesome. Flying around in metal. Shooting rockets from out of his head.  Yet you did not elect David Archuletta your next American Idol. Why? How?

I love Archuletta because he is a youth of the old Soviet mold. When we found a child had a gift for gymnastics, we let her do nothing but gymnastics until she won a Gold medal in the Olympics. When we found a child who was gifted at tennis, there was nothing but tennis for that child from then on until he won Wimbledon. If we found a kid who was good at firing a rifle, we would have him fire nothing but rifles and then send him to America and have him assassinate John F. Kennedy.

My friends, I think this is the most incredible news story I have ever read. Caution: As you read this, you may obtain an erection. I certainly did.

Yves Rossy, a man in Switzerland, has designed a hang-glider rocket that shoots him through the sky.  He has essentially become a flying demon wreaking havoc from the air.

On a recent display, Rossy tipped his wings flipped onto his back and leveled out again, executing a perfect 360-degree roll. After executing that awesome maneuver, he told the press, “That was to impress the girls.” He impressed the girls and also this Putin.  (Again, I am implying that I had an erection.)   

I am inviting Yves Rossy to Russia where we will meet in the presidential office to discuss this new technology. I will send Medvedev out to the lobby, and he can color until our business is complete. (Medvedev always asks me if he can hang his drawings on the wall near the desk. I say yes, but when he puts them up I grab them and rip them in half. I do it because I find the sad look in his eyes so amusing.)

People are begging me to stay on as President of Russia. "Please Sir Putin, do not give up leadership of this country. You are perfect." I must confess to them and to you blog readers that I am not perfect. I am very close, but not completely without defect. I have been trying to have scientists alienate the few remaining chromosomes of my body that are imperfect. In a few months, with any lucky, I will have a super steel enforced exoskeleton and be able to shoot dinosaurs out of my wrists. I know it sounds a little wild, but when I was a kid I always imagined I was a superhero that could shoot dinosaurs out of my wrists. Imagine being able to project velocaraptors at enemies. It would be an awesome mutant ability.  

Anyway, the truth is I am indeed giving up the throne of the President on May 7th. I honestly can't remember the name of the fellow who is supposed to take over control. I think his name is "Medievel" or something. I remember looking through a big book of government official names and picking his because I always used to say that to people before I tortured them with my laser beams: "I'm going to get medieval on you now."