Wesley Snipes. I have seen your movies, and I have heard of your recent battle with the American government over taxation. Please know that I am on your side. I am willing to give you asylum here in Russia. You will not have to go to jail afterall. All that I ask is that you pledge absolute allegiance to my administration and become one of my personal body guards.

Before we seal the deal and make you a Russian national, I’ll just have to ask a sensitive question. Are you part vampire? Please I need you to be honest. I’ve seen the Blade movies. No judgment. I just want to know if you are a vampire and if so, will you use your super vampire powers to aid Russia or destroy it? No pressure. Just think about it and answer honestly. I know the thirst for blood can overpower national allegiance so I just want to know what I'm getting myself into here. 

A baby girl named Lali has just born with two faces. Once she is successfully purchased from her family, I will raise her as my own and teach her the art of judo and KGB mind tricks. I was planning on calling her some dangerous sounding name such as Double-Face or Fakerella, but she’s probably already used to her name Lali, and it would be weird for me to switch it all the sudden. How can I make Lali sound dangerous though? Chemical Lali? How about Muhammed Lali? Float like a butterfly, sting like only a person born with two faces can!

*Sigh*  I’ll have to keep working on that.

Once she is fully trained, I'll send her off to the US where she will use one of her faces to infiltrate the CIA under cover. She’ll obtain a high-level job where she will funnel top US secrets to Russia and eventually bring about the downfall of the capitalist country. Once they realize they’ve been breached, they’ll be on a furious hunt looking for the spy. Too bad she’ll be using her other face then, and no one will recognize her. This will give her enough time to return to Russia, where she will be met with a hero’s welcome.

Good day members of the United Nations:

Let me begin first in the manner as I begin all my speeches. To all would-be assassins: please note that I may not be the real Putin. I may be a double--a putin-look alike. I may be a hologram. Or I may be a robot with a seemingly life-like Putin exoskeleton. All this has been set up to foil any assassination attempts. If you do attempt an assassination, you can be sure, the real Putin (quite alive) will then seek you out and crush your life from out of your lungs.

Thank you all for attending. I have been warned not to make any anti-Western remarks. This really handicaps me in terms of the remarks I had prepared. But I'm sure I will find something to talk about. Let's see...

Oh. Okay. So, have you guys all been watching American Idol? Pretty good so far, eh? It's anybody's guess who will win. *cough* David Archuletta!

(Pause for laughter)

Thanks. But seriously folks this is my last speech in front of the UN as president of Russia. Soon I will be the Prime Minister and my protege Dmitry Medvedev will be the one giving these sorts of speeches. I heard there was talk of having a roast for me. I found out that a roast is an event where friends and famous people who are in down periods of their career, arrive and tell jokes at your expense. The man who had this idea is now in a dungeon in St. Petersburg along with comedian Gilbert Godfrey on preventative measures. No, I don't think I would like a roast much at all.

The most pressing issue facing my great nation is the defiance of former Soviet states Ukraine and Georgia. They seek to be admitted to the UN rather than continue acting at the sole whim of Russian policies. President Bush has actively supported their admittance to the council. I just wanted to let everyone know that if they are admitted, then I will launch nuclear weapons at them.

I am supposed to meet with American President George Bush again to talk more about his plans to place missile shields in former Soviet countries. I am opposed to this plan because it endangers Russian national security. Bush has been nagging me constantly for another face to face meeting ever since the last time we met.

Bush and I have been in constant debate via the telephone these past weeks though. Not about missile shields but about American Idol contestants. He is routing for Kristi Lee Cook to win the whole thing. I dislike her so much, I want to murder her horses. I don't care for any American Idol contestant really, as they are all Americans. In my heart, I truly hope they all lose. Except for David Archuletta. That kid can sing the Russian phonebook, and I would listen! Bush and I always argue back and forth about the contestants. Bush finally revealed what I had long suspected: Ryan Seacrest is a robot. 

Bush keeps promising that he'll only use the missile shield to fight Iran and not anyone else. He says that if Russia wants to fire missiles at the U.S., he won't stop us. He says in confidence that he's only truly concerned about those Arab animals. He calls them a race of evil-doers and tells me he'd like nothing better than to have a Texas style barbecue where he could eat their flesh. I tell him there are many good Arabs out there. Only a few bad seeds are creating the problems.