Photo via www.dudehisattva.com/

American President George Bush called me last night on the premise that he wanted to talk about Russian-United States relations. Instead he tells me he is going to pass a new budget for the US and he wants to know, “What is the biggest number in the world, Vlad?”

I tell him that Infinity is the highest number. He giggles as if I had told him a joke, and then he says he needs a real number. Zillions is the largest number I can fathom. He says he wants bigger. I tell him I can’t help him with this any more. I have important business to attend to. He asks me what I think about the number Badagillion? I tell him that is not a real number. Then he asks me about the number Godtrillion.

I tell him the Godtrillion doesn’t exist either, and he becomes very quiet. He says a person can go to hell for saying something like that. I have no idea what he is talking about. There is a Chechen rebel in the the dungeons of the parliament building, and I promised some of my men I would show them how a proper throat punch is performed.

photo via Flickr by by intoxikateu

Dear friends and enemies spying on my blog hoping to gain access to confidential information:

We have lost an amazing woman. Last week, the beautiful Anna Loginova was murdered in a car jacking.

I am not normally impressed by extremely sexy women, as I have been burned too many times by them telling me they wanted a real relationship, and then I am only to find out later they have used me for sex and to be impregnated by my strong seed. She was different though. Not only was she beautiful, but she was also trained in martial arts and the art of espionage. Really!

One time she and I were hanging out, having fun, poisoning the water well in a Chechen village when we were spotted and seized by a crowd of villagers. They got very excited as they discussed their plans to torture me. They had a different fate in store for her. They plan to sexually violate her before they killed her. So she got all sexy for them pretending that she really wanted it, and then she ends up scalping them … with her uterus! I didn’t see it, but that is how the surviving villagers described the scene.

My prediction for the Giants/Patriots Super Bowl game is: I don’t care. Giants or Patriots. It doesn’t matter. I am tired of the stupid American sport. So tired of their stupid team names. Why are they named the Giants? Are the players larger than normal people? I don’t think so because if they were I would have been alerted by a special section of my staff devoted entirely to identifying and recruiting mutants. And the Patriots? Are they super patriotic supporters of America? If so, then I hate them.

I suppose if I had to choose, I would pick the Patriots because Tom Brady is their quarterback and he has come to Russia last year and helped raise our national birthrate by impregnating over 17,000 Russian women.

China closed down 44,000 porn sites this year. I aim to outdo China and close down at least three times that many porn sites in Russia this year.

Stop looking at this picture!

If you own a porn site in Russia, beware! I plan to destroy all porn sites for their proliferation of filth throughout my country. Except those websites that create anti-American porn. Sex where people shout out “Down with America” and “George Bush is a tyrant” while they fornicate will be given an exemption.

Judo porn is also acceptable. KGB porn, also gets a pass. If the site focuses on porn films with a general spy theme, I may also let it continue running. Maybe the man walks in and says “Hey sexy woman, I need the secret formula, otherwise I will have to torture you.” The sexy woman says, “Okay then. Torture me, you dirty powerful spy who deserves to rule Russia forever.” Sex ensues.

via flickr from originalunoriginal

Sweden sent out a Swedish bomb squad to disarm what they thought was an explosive device in a suit case. They discovered that it was actually a vibrating sex toy.

This is embarrassing. It happened last year in Russia, so I know what Sweden is going through. Although I didn’t laugh it off as if it was some joke. No! I took it seriously. I made sure someone paid for the transgression. I had DNA samples taken so we could link the sex toy to the vagina and its respective owner.

www.popcrunch.com

An article is coming out in GQ Magazine about Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez. He is interviewed by supermodel Naomi Campbell. GQ has been begging me to grant them an interview for years. I respect Chavez, although I should note that people with flat faces startle me. Though, I have been able to overlook his paper-flat face for several years simply because I applaud his hatred for America.

I always suspected the GQ interview would be some assassination plot. Since Chavez did the interview and survived, I finally agreed to their request. Naomi Campbell arrived last night to conduct the interview.

The long-legged beauty walked into my quarters with a tape recorder wearing an enormous pair of sunglasses. I wondered if she wore them because she has laser eye powers and the sunglasses are the only thing that keeps them from burning up everything she looks at. I demand she remove the glasses to prove that her eyes are normal. I hold one of my men in front of her to see if he is burned alive. No lasers at all. First test — passed.

She asks the first question: Why do I hate America?

I am about to answer when one of my assistants interrupts me to tell me the President of Iran is on the phone. I lift my assistant up by the neck and toss him into a wall. I then strike down two of my other security guards as punishment for the interruption.

I smooth over my suit and begin to answer again when one of Naomi’s assistants tells her she has a phone call. Naomi picks up the phone and throws it at her assistant’s face. Once the assistant is on the ground, Naomi straddles him and pounds the phone into his face until only a gurgling sound can be heard.

Happy new year and best wishes to all of your family even those that I have imprisoned! I wanted to take this time to address a concern by media around the world. Since it was announced that I will take over as Premier after my term as president runs out, many people are saying I’m going to try to change the powers of the premier so I can remain the most powerful person in Russia. This is ridiculous. Once I become the premier I’m not all the sudden going to be able to say “I can fly now” and then zoom off into the sky. I’m not going to immediately garner the power to talk to animals like the beastmaster. I won’t alter the premier’s power so I’ll be able to read minds and move objects through the power of my thought. That is laughable!

Photo via Flickr by Brian McCarty

Hope all of you blog readers enjoyed your holiday. I received the DVD Transformers for Christmas, and last night I watched the film. I wanted to call the film’s director and ask if these robots were real or made up through fancy film equipment. My friend Dmitry Medvedev said he believed the movie was made with some special effects known as CGI. We had a good laugh over how CGI sounds a lot like KGB. And then I instructed my men to go out and assassinate whoever coined the term “CGI” as it clearly infringes on our organization’s name.

I studied the film again, and I will bet anything these are real creatures. You just can’t make that stuff up. Dmitry and I spent all day just putting questions to one another. What would you transform into if you could transform into anything at all? He said a jet. I said a cyborg, but he kept telling me that it has to be an everyday object like a car or radio or truck. I would transform into a transformer, I said, and then when I needed to I would transform into an even bigger, more powerful transformer. He kept telling me I was missing the point. I don’t think so. Why would I want to be a truck? I would like to be a huge robot that runs around and punches things.

www.time.com

I, Vladimir Putin, am Time’s Man of The Year!

Rightly so, as it has been quite a year for me. From impregnating women for the benefit of Russia’s national birthrate to photographing my powerful chest and perfectly shaped nipples in order to inspire our homeland with a sense of pride in their leader, I have done it all.

I am a little embarrassed by the competition. To become Man of the Year, I beat out JK Rowling, who is not a man. And I beat out Al Gore, who is also not a man. I would much rather have lost the award than win against such weaklings. I would rather have competed against members of the Ultimate Fighting Championship, Kung-Fu endowed Shaolin Monks, and the half beast/half men that roams the ice-mountains in Mongolia. I suppose I’ll have my chance to defeat those competitors next month when I enter the Best of the Best Street Fighting championships in Thailand.

Being Time’s Man of The Year is a nice vindication, though. Time has told me that my methods are working! The award tells me they approve of my sending nuclear materials to Iran. I will keep doing this.