As a man of considerable wealth and refined tastes, I am given to certain proclivities for the finer things in life. Chartering private jets -- staffed by only the largest-breasted flight attendants. Eating caviar off the firm, shimmering buttocks of mermaids. Etc.

And tonight, to de-stress from recent events, I plan to spend a great portion of the evening in the private screening theater of my exorbitant mansion, watching classic action films while I pour gallons of Kristall on the voluptuous forms of many lusty, sweaty bitches. To me, the most exhilarating and satisfying moment in any action film always occurs in the first act; the scene in which the protagonist must demonstrate his prowess to the audience. For those ignorant philistines who do not get this shit, I'll break it down in screenplay form:

EXT. NIGHT. GRITTY URBAN ENVIRONMENT.

WESLEY SNIPES appears onscreen, and immediately ALL THE WOMEN IN THE AUDIENCE begin contorting their pouty, juicy lips in sensual "ooooohhhs" to denote their animal infatuation with my indomitable power and charisma. THREE IRS HONKEYS appear wearing cracker IRS suits, sporting menacing cracker grimaces and carrying pussy cracker weapons. IRS HONKEY #3 plays a banjo. 

Hey, wealthy black man, what do you think you're doing, being black and wealthy? That money is meant for white people. You better hand that money to the government, son, or there's gonna be big trouble.

My good European brethren, I doth protest. This cornucopia of coinage that I possess I earned though my own toils and talent.

For many Americans, including some of my friends, colleagues and other bitches, preparing tax returns can be a truly loathsome experience. It is for precisely that reason that I am setting up shop on this tax bullshit. This tax season, put on your UV ray-deflecting shades, don your full-length black leather duster and ride your Kawasaki 1100cc motorcycle down to Wesley Snipes' New Tax City-Tax Return Advisors, Inc. and enjoy a free 30-minute consultation with one of our excellent advisors. I guarantee that we will get your shit sorted out. 

Do you worry that you might be overpaying on your taxes? Are you unsure how many deductions you are entitled to take when filing? Or are you simply confused as to why some stupid, fat, cracker charlatans who don't give a fuck about you are somehow entitled to take nearly half of the shit you damn near broke your back to earn last year?

These are all valid concerns. And here at New Tax City, we take those concerns extremely seriously. In fact, we have a philosophy that separates us from all those other tax advisement companies who will just jerk you around by charging you a shitload of money just so they can tell you that you owe a shitload of money to some other government honkeys.

Here is our philosophy:  You don't owe anybody any money. Ever. Take, for example, the period between the years 1999 and 2007, during which I did not file any tax returns. After nearly a decade of enjoying the money that I had earned, some foolish men from the government attempted to part me with a great percentage of that money, which they claimed I "owed" them. Of course, that shit is fucked up, because, as I know full well, I don't owe anybody any money. Ever.

It is an understatement to say these IRS simpletons are some especially dense motherfuckers -- even the most ignorant simpleton would understand the dangers inherent in attempting to deprive Wesley Snipes of his private property.