For many Americans, including some of my friends, colleagues and other bitches, preparing tax returns can be a truly loathsome experience. It is for precisely that reason that I am setting up shop on this tax bullshit. This tax season, put on your UV ray-deflecting shades, don your full-length black leather duster and ride your Kawasaki 1100cc motorcycle down to Wesley Snipes' New Tax City-Tax Return Advisors, Inc. and enjoy a free 30-minute consultation with one of our excellent advisors. I guarantee that we will get your shit sorted out. 

Do you worry that you might be overpaying on your taxes? Are you unsure how many deductions you are entitled to take when filing? Or are you simply confused as to why some stupid, fat, cracker charlatans who don't give a fuck about you are somehow entitled to take nearly half of the shit you damn near broke your back to earn last year?

These are all valid concerns. And here at New Tax City, we take those concerns extremely seriously. In fact, we have a philosophy that separates us from all those other tax advisement companies who will just jerk you around by charging you a shitload of money just so they can tell you that you owe a shitload of money to some other government honkeys.

Here is our philosophy:  You don't owe anybody any money. Ever. Take, for example, the period between the years 1999 and 2007, during which I did not file any tax returns. After nearly a decade of enjoying the money that I had earned, some foolish men from the government attempted to part me with a great percentage of that money, which they claimed I "owed" them. Of course, that shit is fucked up, because, as I know full well, I don't owe anybody any money. Ever.

It is an understatement to say these IRS simpletons are some especially dense motherfuckers -- even the most ignorant simpleton would understand the dangers inherent in attempting to deprive Wesley Snipes of his private property.

A protracted legal battle ensued, and the IRS continued its unfounded attempts to take my shit. It was at this point that I verbally chastised these dickheads, stating that any further attempt by the government to collect my money would result in collateral damages for their agency. At this point I also informed them that I am an alien.

When I went to trial for withholding millions of dollars form the IRS, my legal team's maneuverings were unassailable. We made claims unverifiable. We ran so many circles around them and put our dicks through so many of their loopholes thet they were forced to abort their inane persecution.

This year, H&R Block and all these little Turbotax hos will surely be humiliated as they bear witness to my ultimate power in tax return assistance services. Like a predatory wolf, I will sink my fangs into their ripe buttocks.

So for the absolute best in tax advisement services, come visit us at Wesley Snipes' New Tax City, where our mad hustle will translate into some serious monetary savings for you and your family. Because here at New Tax City, We're Balls Deep in This Game(T).