So the first pictures of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's twins have been released. And I must say I'm not impressed.

Vivienne is not even smiling. You're on stage, dear. Embrace the spotlight. And the boy? The less said about him, the better. I don't think that kid could deliver a line reading if you fed him every word.

This is a dog eat dog business. In my 72 years of experience I've learned that if you don't work for the people, the people won't work for you. Cheer up, children. You just had a birthday. Show the crowd your pearly whites. In this picture I can't even see your teeth.

Honestly, is this the best we could do? The genes of the two most gorgeous people in Hollywood combine to make this? One shudders to think what the offspring of Angelina and Billy Bob Thorton would have produced. An indie film actor, probably.

If Angelina Jolie had my baby, it would be the most beautiful child in the world. And brilliant. He could have directed himself. It's a crime we didn't have sex. At least that's what I keep shouting at her on the red carpet.

I was at a convention this weekend. Good people. During my Q&A, which went on longer than scheduled, an ardent fan stood up and proclaimed, "William Shatner is the greatest thing since sliced bread". And I thought, "since?"

I know bread and I have a lot in common. We're both staples of American life. But it's not even a contest. I give you five reasons why Bill Shatner is better than sliced bread:

1. I directed myself. The day bread can slice itself plus emote like I can, it should call my agent.

2. I know Adrian Zmed. If sliced bread ever met Adrian it would be a brief friendship. Mostly because Adrian loves a good sandwich.

3. Better conversation. Did you know I performed the first interracial kiss on television? Fascinating. What about you, bread? What's that? I can't hear you if you don't speak up, bread. I'm kidding, of course. Point goes to the Shat-man.