So the first pictures of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's twins have been released. And I must say I'm not impressed.

Vivienne is not even smiling. You're on stage, dear. Embrace the spotlight. And the boy? The less said about him, the better. I don't think that kid could deliver a line reading if you fed him every word.

This is a dog eat dog business. In my 72 years of experience I've learned that if you don't work for the people, the people won't work for you. Cheer up, children. You just had a birthday. Show the crowd your pearly whites. In this picture I can't even see your teeth.

Honestly, is this the best we could do? The genes of the two most gorgeous people in Hollywood combine to make this? One shudders to think what the offspring of Angelina and Billy Bob Thorton would have produced. An indie film actor, probably.

If Angelina Jolie had my baby, it would be the most beautiful child in the world. And brilliant. He could have directed himself. It's a crime we didn't have sex. At least that's what I keep shouting at her on the red carpet.