Hey guys, Woody here.

I wandered out of my hut in the woods the other day, and I overheard some hunters talking about the financial crisis faced by the United States of America.

I went to my local library after hours to investigate. I snuck in through the basement window with the broken latch, and I perused their recent archive of periodicals. Turns out, yep, America is having a bit of a financial meltdown. A lot of solutions are floating around out there. Well, I've got a solid one for you. HEMP!  Hemp can save America! 

When the security guard busted in on me in the library, my hemp underwear protected my genital area from laceration when I jumped out the second floor window to evade his grasp. I was bleeding pretty bad, and I called McConaughey to have him pick me up on his electric scooter. He was swimming in the mud rivers of Brazil, so he couldn't help me out.

As I sprinted along the pavement, I thanked God I had remembered to wear my hemp socks, which prevented my feet from scraping against the asphalt as I dodged the police dogs that had been dispatched. I began howling at the animals, and I took advantage of their momentary confusion to light some hemp on fire. After a few seconds of inhaling that sweet hempy aroma, the dogs were mellow and just wanted to hang out with me. They followed me back to my hut, and we partied into the late evening.